queen || nct's 22nd member

all her flaws

2014

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She stood on the roof of the SM building and was grinning like a maniac. A joint in between her fingers. Fom time to time she inhaled the drug, her eyes were glassy.

At some point she spread her arms, as if she could fly away and turned around in a fast pace. Her smile never left her lips, even though tears were streaming down her cheeks. When she couldn't turn in circles any more she took another puff. And another one. She did not stop until there was only a stub left.

What a lousy way to celebrate life. She could not hold it together. Again. She had broken her promises. Again. She really should have stopped earlier. What a disgrace she was, a being that no one needed. Oh how she would have loved to be the perfect picture she had painted.

A liar. That was what she was. A liar with a pretty face. The edge of the roof top suddenly looked very appealing to sit on. Only danger and pain could give her the feeling of being alive. The edge and the streets down there looked very appealing.

So easy to fall.

A pretty liar.

She laughed loudly after that, her thoughts were running. No beginning. No end. Her economiy degree was failing at the moment. She was going to drop it and not start the second year.

What a mess.

She was a fucking mess.

"How pathetic." She stood on the edge of the roof. Staring down at the streets, so many people were bypassing eachother. Never looking out for those next, yet aware of those around. "How pathetic."

Ana glared at the ground, atleast fifty metres away from her. It felt as everything around her, was belittling her entire existence of failures. She could count them, she could count them all. All her flaws. The reasons she would never be enough.

Her first flaw had been imprinted in her brain since she had been old enough to understand words. You are a girl. It had made the difference all her life. The way her mother had looked at her and how she was treated by others. A girl, her very own existence as a female was her first flaw.

She doesn't remember when the second and third flaw had been added. She was sure that they also had started in her early childhood. She had been too proud of her grade and she had been too annoying for her mother. She had been grounded for having talked about her good grades and left in the shopping centre for asking questions. She was too loud and too noisy.

Ana pulled out more weed and some loose tabak and a thin paper to roll it for another joint. Her legs were dangeling over the edge. She really should stop getting down on nothing. After all no one here knew her pain, she still had the perfect picture painted.

Nothing wrong so far.

She lightened the joint. A deep inhale and she relaxed, all the drug would ever cause her to become. Relaxed and sad.

"My fourth flaw is acting as though I matter. I did never matter and no one needed me enough to make me matter. People only need me to matter as long as they gain from it. Otherwise I'm absolutely useless." Ana wiped away some tears. That was her fifth flaw. She attached herself so easily too people. They would only keep her around as long as they needed her. She used to be so easy trusting and so easy to break.