Book of Ruel

It'll Be Okay

tw: mental health , hopeful ending. pls be nice, used current personal experience and feelings.

Another day passed, another blurry, and grey day. Today was just like the rest of my days lately, numb and pain filled. It might sound like an oxymoron, being able to feel pain while being numb, but trust me it's possible. Everyday has been filled with emotionless conversations on my behalf, fake smiles and laughs, but no one seems to notice the endless amounts of suffering I'm going through alone. They haven't even seemed to notice how this whole holiday break, I've been "busy" everyday they tried to meet up. I wish they would notice, because the lord knows I won't ask for help. Maybe it's better they don't notice, I wouldn't want to be a burden to my own friends.

Every day I wake up, feeling nothing but a heavy sense of dread weighing me down. My body just being dead weight that I carry around throughout the daily tasks that I can barely bring myself to do, majority of my day spent in and out of sleep. All I do is sleep, it's the only way to avoid the real world, and even then I can't always avoid it when my problems follow me into my dreams. I don't even think I dream that much anymore, my brain not even being able to muster up the energy to do that. The little bit of energy I have is used up most nights by the sobs that silently shake my body, usually trying to be as quiet as possible to not alert my parents, or it's used up by the more frequent than ever panic attacks. They use up more energy than I have, leaving me a shaky tear streaked mess, too terrified to even move after having one. Let's just say these past two weeks we've been on break, have only lead to everything becoming worse, all I can do is stay in my room and let these words in my head tear me down. I'm broken.

I sit on the floor of my room, music softly filling the space as I lean against the wall, ignoring the tears that seem to never go away. I silently watch my phone, the endless stream of texts and group chats getting blown up, not being able to find it in me to respond to them. Not like they'd notice if I replied anyways, too enticed with the bottomless amount of party invites. I let out a choked sob, wishing I could feel the happiness they feel, envying the way they get to experience life. I don't want to be envious and jealous of them, but when your brain is wired a certain way, making even the smallest things a struggle, it's hard to not be a little green towards your friends. I feel all these emotions running through me, my tears just streaming down my face, yet I've never been more emotionally detached and numb.

I stare at my phone as it lights up with an incoming call, instantly tensing when I see the name that pops up across my screen, one of the many people I've distanced myself from again. I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves and steady my uneven breathing, hoping I can hide my pain filled state. I lift the phone shakily to my ear, "Hey Rueloff, what's up" I cheerily spit out, feeling the fake emotions drip off my words. I hear him take in a breath on the other end, before letting out a light sigh, causing me to freeze at the underlying disappointment radiating off of him. The one person I never wanted to disappoint or bother. All I can seem to do is disappoint people.

"I've tried to give you space the last two weeks, but I'm done letting you ignore my calls and texts. What's going on with you?-" Ruel questions instantly, leaving no room for argument. I sit there silently, completely unsure on how to get myself out of the mess I've made. I start trying to pathetically defend myself, only to be interrupted, "don't give me that bullshit, you haven't been busy. You always tell me that everything is fine, but you don't have anywhere to hide now, and you know that." He snaps out. I feel my eyes get watery at the frustration he feels, even though I know he's not mad at me, he's just frustrated that I'm not letting him in. He's frustrated that I'm going down the same path again, the same path I've been down many times before.

"I've just been tired lately, not in the mood to socialize and stuff, that's all.." I mumble, my words left hanging in the air as they pierce through the heavy silence. It's quiet for a few more seconds, just enough time for my bottom lip to wobble, tears yet again filling my eyes to the brim. I squeeze my eyes shut, pressing my lips tight together, trying to cut off my emotions. I try to take in a quiet breath to even my breathing out, only for it to come in staggered, causing Ruel to instantly hold his breath. The silence was deafening.