Book of Ruel

Letter to anon.

(As many of you may know, if you come from my tumblr account, some very hurtful things were said to me. Hurtful in ways that I cannot explain. I just hope the person who sent them sees this, whether it be on here or it's original post. Please treat others with kindness. Spread love. Nothing but Love.)

Letter to Anon.

I want to start off with I don't know who you are, I don't wish to know who you are, but I do wish you find the peace and love you so desperately deserve.

I do not understand why you said the things you did, or why you felt it was okay to try and hurt me the way you did. I don't think I'll ever understand why. I don't think you even know why you did it. Which is why I feel so much pity and sadness, knowing the demons you have within yourself seem to be winning the battle. The battle that I hope you win, since I believe every person is inherently good, until they are corrupted by certain forces of evil. I wish and pray you are able to find the good again.

What you said hurt me. In ways that will deeply always remain with me, blending in to the voice I already can't ignore in my own head, causing me constant heartache that I wish I could avoid. I cried. I sobbed. I felt like I wasn't human. Like I was my disorder, rather than the human being that I am. You made me think about the thing that hurts me the most, you attacked me with the most vulnerable thing I have ever shared about myself. You attacked me, for being me. It hurts. It hurts me so much.

I am not mad at you though. I feel sorry for you, nothing but pity fills my mind as the thought of you crosses it. You must be in so much pain and anguish, to hurt another person the way you did. Words hurt more than anything else. They can destroy a person in seconds. They can make someone lose the light in their eyes, something that should never happen. Which you must've experienced to be the way you are.

I want you to know something though. That I am NOT my eating disorder. I am a human, who just so happens to have struggles that not everyone will experience. Struggles that might seem meaningless to others, silly, childish, and not real. They aren't meaningless to me though. They're things that tear me apart and make me hate myself, every single second of my life. I am not weak though. I am strong. I am strong, because I continue to push through and find reasons everyday to try and keep living. I am stronger than you think. Whether you choose to believe so or not. I am strong enough to be vulnerable and let you know the feelings I felt from your actions, because I know it doesn't make me weak to feel. True weakness is when you choose to not feel anything. To be cold. Cruel. Heartless.

I have an eating disorder. I have Anorexia Nervosa. Yes, that means I struggle with finding the will to eat. No, I didn't choose to be this way. It is just the way my brain is wired, which isn't my fault. It is no ones fault. It is not just about eating though. It is a psychiatric disorder, one that constantly torments me, tears me down, and makes me feel worthless. It is the most dangerous psychiatric disorder, with a mortality rate of 10% and climbing. It is serious and needs to be seen as so. It not only kills you mentally, it literally kills you physically.

Do not undermine and treat it as though it is some silly choice of wanting to be thin and perfect, because I can tell you right now, anyone struggling with it never feels beautiful once the physicality of the disorder makes an appearance. It is not about wanting to be beautiful, it will never be about that. It has to do with so many things, things you will never understand and get. So don't you DARE try to tell me it's a phase because of tumblr or a trend to be deemed what society has set as its standards for women. It is, will always be, so much more than that.

Educate yourself. Better yourself. Get help. You so desperately need it.

I wish you love, peace, happiness, and safety in life. I pray you find the good in the world and that you can beat the battle going on in your head. You may have hurt me, but I do not think you're a bad person. Just a person who seems to be in such a dark place, that they cannot see the blatant help and open arms right in front of them. I hope you find the light.

You may have hurt me, but remember, I am strong. I will always be strong. You cannot change that nor can you take that away from me. I am a fucking queen. Maybe one day you can be one too, but you will never be if you never change. Change for yourself and the betterment of yourself. Change.

~ Darlin