Book of Ruel

Feeling Blue

TW: Mental health issues, anxiety attack, and depression.

I trace the trails of the raindrops as they make their way down my window, trying to give myself something to pay attention to, hoping it'll ease my anxiety ridden brain. I know it won't work, but I can try to be hopeful right?

The only sounds present in my room being that of the storm outside, the storm that's still not strong enough to drown out the storm causing chaos within my head. My mind is a whirlwind of emotions ranging from hopelessness to fear, fear to anger, and anger to nothing. I feel nothing. I also feel everything.

My thoughts are interrupted by my phone blaring to life with an incoming call, from none other than my best friend, who also just so happens to be my boyfriend. I stare at my phone for a moment, wondering if I even want to pick it up. It's not that I don't want to talk to him, it's that I don't want to talk to anyone. I take in a deep breath, trying to calm the ragged breathing escaping my lips, not wanting to make him worry.

"Hey sweetheart, I was missing you a little bit more than usual, and wanted to call you. What're you up to love?" He asks as soon as I answer, the smile in his voice apparent over the phone. My heart clenches hearing his voice, my eyes watering almost instantly, an aching pain spreading across my heart. I need to be strong. I have to be strong.

"Hi bub, I miss you too, I'm just hanging out in my room and watching the storm outside, the lighting looks really nice from my window" I softly reply, my answer not technically being a lie, just only partially the truth. My eyes watching the sky light up, wondering how something so beautiful, could be so deadly. "What're you doing? Since I know you've been really busy lately with your music, anything good yet?" I question, hoping I can turn the conversation to him, knowing it'll only be a matter of moments before I break down.

"They let me out of the studio early today for once since the storm was getting worse, so I just got home a few minutes ago and wanted to talk. We've got a few tracks coming along, nothing too crazy yet" he laughs, thinking of how crazy his week has been, finally being able to catch a break. "I wish I could have seen you though, I've really missed you the last week baby, I'm sorry I've only been able to text you here and there" he apologizes, guilt filling his voice at the thought of how tired he's been by the time he gets back home late from the studio. I slowly make my way to my bed, laying down and putting the phone on speaker, setting it next to me on my pillow.

"It's okay, you've been busy with work, I'm so proud of you, I already know whatever you're doing is going to be amazing" I reassure him, curling my shaking hands into my hoodie, my anxiety worsening by the second. I feel my heart start to pick up speed, the feeling of panic starting to rise, for reasons my brain doesn't even know. "I was actually about to shower before you called, can I talk you later?" I rush out, sitting up as my hands start to pull at my hoodie, my body trembling. My shallow shaky breathing echoing throughout my room, more daunting than the thunder that rumbles through the night sky.

"Are you okay sweetheart? You never shower during storms, you told me you're always scared the power will go out" he questions, confused on my sudden change of tone. I stay silent, having no other excuse to throw at him, my head already spiraling into chaos. "Hello? Love, what's going on?" He softly asks, his own heart racing as he hears my choked breathing, my eyes watering as I try to keep my sobs contained.

"I'm okay, I promise. Just not feeling too good, but I'll be okay. It'll be okay" I cry, trying to reassure myself more than him, my head starting to feel tight with pressure from the tears building up. I hear his keys jingle and a door opening, my heart instantly stuttering, knowing exactly what he's going to do. "Don't come over. I'm okay, it's not safe for you to go out right now. Stay home Ruel" I whimper out, voice cracking as I think about the stress I put on everyone in my life. All I seem to do is cause problems, problems that wouldn't exist if I could just be normal.