Book of Ruel

Secret

Today was yet another day filled with the usual secret glances, light touches, and mumbled whispers. You'd think after a year of being together and dealing with all of this that we'd be used to it, but it feels like it only gets worse with every passing day.

I can feel Ruel staring straight into the side of my head from the either side of the car as we dreadfully make our way to the AMAs, for yet another outing where Ruel is barely even allowed to breathe near me without us getting scolded. As I try to ignore the unhappy look I knew all too well on his face, I slide my hand across the empty middle seat and clutch his hand in mine, giving it three small squeezes - our subtle way of saying I love you when we can't verbally tell each other, which seems to be a lot of the times lately. He stares down at our hands for awhile, before his eyes then make their way back to my face, until I finally make eye contact with my beautiful sad boy. This whole car ride I've been trying to avoid this, knowing how emotional it made us, especially on nights like this where he needs my support more than ever.

The driver respected our privacy while he drove us silently to the event, but even though he legally isn't allowed to talk about clients or what they do in the car, we still had to follow our rules to not risk anyone finding out about our relationship. While his fans and the public eye knew me as his longtime best friend and roommate, even though many of his fans speculated that we were dating from our close calls and overall close relations with each other in general, his management team still decided that it would be best for us to remain hidden to the public. Their reasoning was that it's for his image, reputation, and both our relationship overall and mental health that we weren't public. At first we agreed with them and their rules, both of us agreeing that we didn't want all the publicity and possible fan backlash as a new couple, wanting to keep the first few months of our relationship between just us. The thing is, it's been more than a few months, it's been a whole year, and we're tired hiding. Like even the fans think something is up and literally want us to be a couple. I can't even stand near him without Nate telling us to step away from each other to not raise suspicions, because best friends don't walk together right?

"I'm sick of this, all I want to do at these award shows is to just be with you and be able to kiss you, or hold you when I want. I just want to actually feel like your boyfriend for once. I know you're just as pissed off as I am" he quietly spits out, his green eyes dark with frustration. A frown graces my lips upon hearing how unhappy my bubs is, but nodding none the less to show my agreement with him. He watches me silently, eagerly waiting for me to speak, knowing that this is the topic I usually keep quiet about. The only reason I stay quiet, unlike him, is because I know that as soon as I say something about being unhappy, Ruel is going to do whatever he can to make me happy. Even if that means going against his rules with management, and making our relationship public.

"I know bubba.. but we also know the rules, and I don't want you getting in trouble over me, so don't try to pull anything tonight." I softly state, feeling his hand tighten around mine, before he lets go. He closes his eyes and runs his hands across his face and hair angrily, which causes me to instantly lean over and fix his now partially tangled hair back into place. He grabs my hand as I lower it away from his hair and gives it a chaste kiss, knowing that's the most affection he'll be allowed to show me until we go to sleep tonight out of the public eye. He keeps my hand in a tight grip on his lap as his facial expression remains stoic, letting me know that he needs some sort of contact with me for comfort right now or he just might lose his mind. I knew just how done my poor baby was with this whole management situation, especially since it's not like this would be his first time openly expressing his anger about it.

———

It was around the time we had reached being together for half a year and we were on our way to dinner with his team after an early show he had one night, and he had grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him without even thinking about it. Nate immediately called out to us, a stern look on his face, and I pulled my hand away softly trying to not watch as Ruels smile is completely wiped from his face. I gave him a tight lipped smile as we entered the restaurant and he looked away, clearly upset with how the evening was turning out. As we all sat at the table I reached across and gave his hand a quick squeeze, and he lightly squeezed mine back while looking down. As I was looking at him I could see tears brimming in his eyes causing me to instantly frown, even more so when he stood up and abruptly left, saying something about needing the restroom. I softly sighed while I looked at my dinner, moving it around with my fork as my appetite disappeared, then looking up to the group who already had their eyes trained on me.