It's Only The Heat [TharnType 18+]

-09- 🌗 I'm Okay

"I'd like to say, I'm okay... but I'm not. I try, but I fall, close my mind, turn it off."
~Michael Schulte, 'You Said You'd Grow Old With Me'

~~~

*Tum's POV*

They say there's a point in everyone's life where everything changes. That one turning point when you realize nothing is ever going to be the same again.

For me, it was the moment I found out my mate was dead.

It's been a little over a year since I got the news, and the pain is still there. Granted, I never got the chance to meet the guy and get to know him, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. On the one hand, if I had known him already, I would've been too attached and the pain of his death would have driven me insane. On the other hand... man, it fucking sucks that I never even got to see him. He was supposed to be the one I would spend the rest of my life with. The one who's supposed to be my other half.

And now?

I feel like I'm only half of a person.

Lost. Empty. Confused.

I've spent the past year cursing the Moon. Why would she give me a mate that died before he was even of age? What's the point in that? To make me suffer for some sin I committed in a past life?

This last year has made me cold. Not 'cold' in the sense of being mean and bitter. I'm not bitter. I'm still happy for my friends when they find their mates. In fact, I would spend all my time helping everyone find their mates if I could. No one should have to be mateless like me.

No, I've become cold in the emotional sense. I feel joy when those around me feel it, but I can't find happiness on my own. Not anymore. When I'm alone, all I can think about is what I would be doing with my mate, if he was still alive. Would he have liked riding around on my motorcycle? What subject would he be studying? What movies would we be watching together?

Would he have wanted to flaunt our relationship, holding hands and kissing in public? Or would he have been shy, and preferred that we kept our PDA at a minimum? Frankly, I probably would've gone along with whatever he wanted. I would've just been happy to have him by my side at all.

Because now, I'll never have that.

Granted, the Moon has gifted wolves with a second mate in the past, but it was extremely rare. No one I know has actually gotten a second chance. I've only heard stories that are starting to sound like stupid myths, made up to give gullible and pitiful wolves like me false hope.

Besides, if the Moon gave a shit about me, she would've kept my mate alive. So, no. I'm not holding my breath for a new mate.

I try to not think too much about it anymore. Instead, I put most of my focus on the pack. If I want to be chosen as Lhong's second-in-command, I need to stay focused on him, and on the pack. There's no room for my solo pity parties.

Right now, my main concern should be helping Lhong find his own mate. No one can deny that a head alpha has power, but they are a lot more powerful with their Luna by their side. As future beta of the Silver Sun Pack, it's my job to make sure Lhong will be as strong as possible.

I've known for a while about Lhong's infatuation with Tharn. Even before they both turned 18, I told Lhong that they wouldn't be mates. Oh sure, the Moon has mated wolves from different packs before, but two alphas from different packs? That has never happened. Ever.

And yet, Lhong chose to get close to Tharn, only to have his heart broken when he realized they weren't mates. In fact, Lhong's been in a pretty pissy mood ever since he found out that Tharn found his mate. He's been snippy with not only me, but with other members of the pack as well. And he really needs to get his shit together before word gets back to his father, and Lhong ends up sporting another bruise that he thinks no one notices.