Hamliza Oneshots

"I hate you but I think I hate myself more"

Time for some angst! Hope you enjoy this oneshot as much as I enjoyed writing it! (even though it hurt my heart)

Prompt found on Tumblr

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"I hate you but I think I hate myself more"

Eliza's POV

I was walking up to my house with my son Philip next to me and my daughter Angelica in my arms. We were returning home from a weekend visit at my sister Peggy's house, and had just pulled into our driveway.

Little Angie squirmed in my arms at the sight of our front door. She knew that her papa was waiting for them and couldn't wait to see him again. All weekend she was asking to see him again, and I couldn't tell you how many times we had to FaceTime him just to get her to go to sleep. She was such a daddy's girl.

"Angelica, please stop wiggling," I said as I tried to get my keys from my purse. "Philip, could you get my keys?"

My sweet little boy nodded and found my keys, excited to help. He always got giddy when he could find ways to help me or my husband. He handed me the keys and I let us inside the house.

The second I entered the house, I sensed tension in the air. The dishes I had asked Alexander to do were piling up higher in the sink, some left scattered in other places around the living room. Suddenly I could hear noises coming from upstairs, and my heart sunk.

Not again.

The noises got louder as I got closer to the stairs. It was a woman's voice along with my husband's. I tried to push my fears away and hope that I was wrong. Dear God, I hoped that I was wrong.

I like to think I am strong around my children. I'm trying so hard to be strong around them now. I can't let them know how I feel. I can't let them know what I am fearing.

"Philip? Take your sister downstairs to the playroom. I'll be down there in just a bit, okay?" I hope he didn't pick up on my nervousness as I put Angelica down to follow him downstairs. I was holding back my tears just thinking about the situation I would soon have to face.

He looked at me with sad eyes, as if he knew what I was feeling. "Are you okay, mama?" he asked as he grabbed ahold of his sister's hand.

I nodded and bit my lip as I felt the tears about to flow from my eyes. You are strong, Eliza. "I'm fine, honey, just please go play with your sister, okay?"

That answer was good enough for him and he jetted off with his sister towards the playroom.

I took a deep breath as I tried to refocus myself to confront my husband. I slowly walked up the stairs, feeding myself with what I hoped would be confidence boosters. When I got up to our bedroom, I knew my fears were right.

I opened the door to see my husband in bed with another woman. Sweat beaded off of her tanned skin and her dark hair was messed up around her face. They turned to face me the second they heard the door open, and I couldn't say a thing.

I had been pushing it away just hoping that it wouldn't be true. But the second I saw them all tangled up in the sheets of our bed, my breath hitched and my heart broke. He said he was done betraying me, betraying our love, and I believed him. I was the fool that believed him. I have no right to feel betrayed.

"Eliza," Alexander said nervously, ready to give some stupid explanation in hopes that I would forgive him again. Him and his stupid words.

"Save it," I said through my teeth, crossing my arms. "The children are in the basement playing and I do not want them to see her."

I knew I was playing it too nice. I wanted to tell that woman off, but I couldn't.

"I'll go," she whispered, climbing out of the sheets and throwing her clothes back on. She was gone and out the door within minutes.

"Eliza, I can explain."

"Can you, Alexander? You lied to me. You told me that you were sorry the first time this happened. You said were done last time this happened. And I believe you." I was shaking at this point, every word dripping in venom.

"It didn't mean anything, Eliza. I'm going to do better next time. You know that I love you."

I was fuming. If anyone walked by they might see the steam coming out of my ears. "If you loved me you wouldn't have done this again."

I wanted to yell. I wanted to scream and cry and be done with this whole thing. I wanted the man that I thought I loved to be the husband I thought I married. I wish I could say I was disappointed or shocked. But the truth was that I wasn't. I was more disappointed in myself for falling right into his trap again.

We were both silent for a few moments, and the tension in the air could have been cut by a knife. In those moments of silence, though, my head was spinning. I felt sick as all my thoughts spiraled around my mind and jumbled together into a mess.

I couldn't stay silent any longer. All the hurt and heartbreak spilled into the air as I whispered, "I hate you." I couldn't stop it, even though I wish I could have. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" I yelled, hoping the children wouldn't hear me. He stood back, stunned at my outburst.

"I hate you," I said for a final time, "but I think I hate myself more. I hate myself for believing you. I hate myself for falling in love with you. I hate myself for being so optimistic that I trusted you meant what you said when you told me that I was the only one you loved and that you wouldn't do anything to hurt me. And I was a fool to believe every dripping lie that spilled from your lips."

Finally, I let myself cry. I breathed heavily as I tried to contain my pure anger. I've never felt this angry before. And if I didn't hate myself for forgiving and believing Alexander, I hated myself for my outburst of anger.

I turned away, wiping my eyes as I composed myself. "I'm going back to my sister's house. Don't bother calling me. You'll have to come up with an explanation to Angie as to why she has to be apart from you even longer tonight at bedtime."

I picked up my kids downstairs and explained that we were heading back to their aunt's house. As we pulled out of the driveway and started driving down the street, Philip asked, "Are you sure you're okay, mama?"

He must have been able to see through the front mirror the few tears that I had allowed to fall.

"I'll be okay, Philip. I promise."