The Complicated Life of a Young New Yorker

Awkward Catch Up

Miles and I arrived at 5 Elements coffee shop at 131 Avenue Rd in Toronto, I went downstairs to find us a cute table to sit at downstairs while he grabbed our drinks. There was a table in front of a fireplace, so I put my purse to the floor beside my feet and texted Blair letting her know that I ran into Miles and we are having the chat; immediately right after I sent that text, I saw him walking to the table I was sitting at holding our drinks. Miles then sat in front of me and said "Here's your snot drink." Him and I laughed and I replied back to him saying "You always hated my drink, even though it is good for you." As I saw him dazing into my eyes, I started to develop butterflies in my stomach; the kind of feeling that I would always get back in school whenever Miles and I would talk about our futures and hearing him laugh and smile just made me fall for him even more back then.

"First of all Mason, I'm truly sorry about how I acted towards you when I found out that you were leaving school early. I was just jealous of you because of how smart you are.. you have the looks and the brains, what else could you want? I'm assuming that you are enjoying your job as editor-in-chief! Very rare that a 19 year old is an editor at a high fashion magazine." says Miles, presenting a sincere apology look; his eyes looking at mine, trying to not hold back potential tears because he knew he treated me like garbage when I told him about me graduating early from Trinity. "Miles, I forgive you. Although you did treat me like utterly garbage and threw our many years of friendship down the road, I could understand why you were jealous but at least you realized that you made a mistake by stopped talking to me until today." I replied back to him and then my anxiety starts to boil, because I'm paranoid if he is going to ask about the feelings; so I was about to say something until he said it himself.

"Mason, I've been meaning to tell you this but we lost contact of each other so I'm trying to work myself up by telling you.. I umm.. know you had feelings for me back in school." Miles said in a very awkward way, as soon as he said it he started to shake his leg. I on the other hand was feeling a relief that he knew about my feelings, but did he figure it out himself or did someone tell him? Because if someone told him, then clearly he hasn't acknowledged his feelings for me then. "Miles, I don't know what to say. How did you know?" I responded back to him but was stuttering my words due to my nerves and anxiety; "You see, my mom told me.. and I was angry and also confused at the same time. Why would you like me? I'm a mess, and didn't consider myself gay." Miles said, the tension was now up extremely high that someone could easily spot it out on the streets.

After he said that, my mind went completely blank. I'm thinking in my head; how in the hell did Miles's mom knew about my feelings for him? He was angry and confused? And best part; he didn't consider himself gay? I started to close my eyes and breathe quietly. My anxiety went from a level 10 to a level 3, "Oh how in the hell did she knew about it? I don't understand why you were angry and confused, let alone that you didn't consider yourself gay. May I remind you of the hundreds of kisses we shared with each other from grade 6 to the day I left Trinity..? What was all that then Miles, you trying to lead me on or was it for real? Because maybe I felt something." I said back to Miles, my hands were crossed and my attitude became from happy to seeing him, to calling him out on the crap he just tried to play.

"Mason, everybody knew you liked me. I was feeling like that because you never told me about it yourself, of course I wasn't using you! What am I back to how I used to act? I care about you and your feelings, and I was scared because I was dating my girlfriend Mariah back then.. so yes I didn't consider myself gay because I was dating her back then. Which we broke up after you left Trinity by the way, but the kisses we shared... were real Mason. I just pushed my feelings to the side because I didn't want to hurt you nor Mariah." says Miles, his eyes started to about to tear up because he knew what he did was giving me mixed signals. I began to think again in my head: if he doesn't know what he wants between us, then I may even try to forget about him.

"Miles, I'm sorry about you and Mariah. To be honest, I hated her! She was no good for you and quite frankly, you could have done better.. I'm relieved that you admit the kisses were real and I understand that you didn't want to hurt either her and I, but you needed to grow up and figure out what you wanted. Because if you obviously knew how I felt about you all this time, then clearly you were confused on if you wanted to take the plunge and devote your feelings for me and we could have worked something out, or just continued to stop taking to each other like what we were still doing for a few years. And now, you know about my feelings for you, how do you feel? What do you want? Because watching you be with Mariah, it made me feel so much agony and pain because I loved you Miles, it just made me so upset watching you date someone else when you knew my feelings for you.." I said back to him, and then a couple of tears rolls down my cheek so I grabbed my purse and grabbed some tissues.

He wiped the tears off my face, and told me to breathe. "Mason, you are right. I knew you were upset when I was around her and for sometime I didn't understood it. I thought that you were jealous of my relationship with her, and you wanted that. I don't know what I want between us.." Miles replied back to me after I stopped crying. I just got fed up with him, he doesn't know what the hell he wants? I'm honestly not going to be waiting for him to show up at my door step and confessing his love to me 15 years later when I'm about to walk down the aisle to someone else. "Well do you want to know what I want? I want for you to admit that you have feelings for me, I want you to work this complicated situation out between us and we can finally be a couple. I don't want to wait around for you to disappoint me again, so excuse me if I don't want to fall for your foolish choices about not wanting to be with me still, or even talk to you again." I said back to him, getting up from my chair and immediately grabbed my purse, putting on my coat and was about to leave with so much frustration and tears in my eyes.

"Mason, come back! I'll call you later... okay?" says Miles, yelling inside the coffee shop. I looked back and saw him standing there, shocked and trying not to cry as he watches me bolt out of the coffee shop with so much tears. So there I was; feeling so much anxiety, sadness and just overall frustration and confusion about my conservation with Miles.. he knew about my feelings, and yet he still doesn't know what he wants? Regardless, I need to get myself together for tomorrow as I have a conference call with fashion designer and creative director of Balmain named Olivier Rousteing. If Miles, wants to bother me again about his unresolved feelings and unsure still on what he wants with us, then sadly I guess I'm better off without him like I originally was for 3 years.