It All Started At 6 a.m.

Chapter 18

Leah

Three words.

Which can start with 'I' and end with 'you', the middle word has the potential to make you feel extremity of emotions.

'Can we talk', even though it's not one of the above-said possibilities, can sure as hell give you a roller coaster ride of emotions.

Right now, sitting inside a car with those three words still echoing in the confines of the car, made me wring my wrist and my gut wrench with the dread.

"Leah, I'm sorry."

I raised my eyebrow at him, questioning him. My mind was still whirling, trying to grasp the situation.

"I was being a bit of an ass to you."

"A bit?" 

"Okay, a whole lot. But please listen to me." He pleaded with his eyes and suddenly I felt like we were back in his room. 

"After what I told you, I didn't know, I still don't know how to behave around you. I haven't talked about Nathan with anyone else in the past four years, except for my family, and suddenly I blurted out a few bits and pieces of my past to you. And then I had to go and be all emotional in front of you. I felt weak at that moment, Leah. No one, except for mom and dad, has seen the broken Ethan, so the other day when I broke down in front of you, I didn't know how to act around you." He looked down at his lap and fidgeted with his fingers locking and then unlocking them, not sure what to do. I placed my hand on his, the non-bloody one, and squeezed it hoping to provide comfort with my actions. Placing his hand in my lap I squeezed it twice, silently telling him to continue.

"I still haven't fully accepted Nathan's death. I still can't believe I won't be able to see him again. And it's scary as hell, thinking that he wasn't able to get his high school diploma, was never able to attend college. He wanted to be an entrepreneur. It makes me nauseous thinking that he won't be able to start up his own business. He was always passionate about his future. But he didn't even get the chance to complete his high school." His nose turned red first, followed by his eyes. He was trying really hard not to breakdown in front of me again.

It was silent in the car except for his ragged breathing.

"Ethan, you are not weak. In fact, showing your emotions is one of the bravest things. And my opinion won't change even if you let those tears escape your eyes." And it was all it took before he rested his head on the steering wheel and closed his eyes, letting his emotions take over. 

I rubbed his palm with my thumb trying to soothe his ache for his brother. He turned his head in my direction, his hair damp due to sweat and humidity inside the car. The sweat beads made his hair mat to his forehead further sticking into his eyes. Leaning across the console, I ran my free hand across his forehead and pushed his hair back. His crying subsided leaving a trail of his pain on his cheeks. I swiped my thumb across them hoping to wipe away his pain to some extent.

It was killing me to just sit there and not able to say anything to comfort him. But I knew he didn't need my words to make himself feel better. Only he himself can heal his inner wounds. Words can just aid the healing and not replace his willingness to mend himself.

"You know, reminiscing the past incidents won't be as painful when you fully accept your past. Reliving all those moments spent with your brother won't be as hurtful when you come to terms with his absence." 

"It's not that easy, Leah, to let go off someone." 

"It never was. Letting go was never easy and it's not a quick process but that doesn't mean it's impossible. It's not about forgetting that person but rather remembering them in a way that's not painful." I caressed his cheek with my thumb.