Death University

Chapter 75

Chapter 75: Replacement

I never felt this kind of pain before. Sobrang sakit sa pakiramdam yung makita mo yung taong mahal mo na lumuhod sa harap mo.

Dark, kneeling in front of me and crying, can be the death of me. It was so painful to watch him that way.

Mukhang ang dami kong nasaktang tao ngayong araw, ah? Gusto kong saktan ang sarili ko dahil sa naisip. I'm no good to anybody. I hurt the people around me and that makes me a bad person. I fucking hate myself.

Tama naman ang desisyon ko, diba? Para saming dalawa naman 'to.

My mind then came back to the thought of escaping. Tila nawalan na ako ng gana. At tila rin nanghihina ako. I can't even think of escaping anymore. And I'm not desperate anymore just like earlier.

May pasok pa pala. Nawala na sa isipan ko 'yon. But in this state, I wouldn't go to my classes.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Wala akong mapuntahan. I can't even go to the fountain area because that place reminds me of him. Wala naman siguro si Julia sa dorm namin, diba? Baka nandoon siya kina Godwin. I don't want her to see me like this and feel bad for me. And most importantly, in this state, I don't want her to know why I'm crying. I just broke up with her brother. She'll probably hate me when she knows. At normal lang 'yon.

I went to our dorm and I locked the front door, sobbing. Akala ko naubos na ang mga luha ko pero hindi pa pala. Just as I have entered the dorm, I started crying again. Parang hindi na ako makahinga at nanghihina ako. My heart is aching so much.

Habang umaakyat sa hagdanan, malapit pa akong mahulog dahil hindi ko na makita ang daanan dahil sa pesteng mga luha ko. But I couldn't care less. Wala na akong pake sa mangyayari sa'kin.

When I entered the bedroom, I lay on my bed and cried my heart out. Confirmed, Julia is not here. So I cried and cried. I never expected this... I never expect that I'll be a part of this love story in a hell hole like this.

It's kind of ironic. This place is scary, people are evil, and everything gets bloody. Pero eto ako, nakaranas ng pagmamahal sa isang lalakeng hindi ko inakalang mamahalin ako at mamahalin ko.

We're already hurting each other. I know it's not just me. I know he's also hurting because of me and he just keeps it to himself in order for me to stay with him. But before it's too late, before we ruin each other, we should just let each other go.

It's raining. At palakas ng palakas ang ulan na tila babagyo. I think I wouldn't be able to do this by myself... I think Dark also contributes to this. Ang tindi talaga ng ulan at may kasamang kulog. Nakakatakot. It hurts that he's hurting right now because of me.

At ang sakit-sakit sa pakiramdam. I have hurt a lot of people. It's not just Dark that I have hurt, also Julia and Selton. Isama na si Chad. I might not kill people here, but I still hurt them. And I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. If only I could avoid them and stay away, I would've done it already. I need to stay away so I wouldn't be able to hurt them anymore.
But it's kind of impossible in this state. This place is small for us.

I'll cry it all out. I want to make a promise to myself right now. And it's not easy but I'll do it anyway... Huling iyak ko na 'to. Ilalabas ko lahat ngayong araw. And in the next day, I'll renew myself. And I know it wouldn't be easy pero kakayanin ko.

My heart is aching so much while I cry. Tila hindi na ako makahinga na para bang unti-unti kong pinapatay yung sarili ko. Tila unti-unti akong namamatay dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman.

Bigla kong naisip ang pinagsamahan namin. I will never forget how his pupils dilate every time he stares at me. They say that if your pupils dilate with the thought of someone or while looking at someone, it means that the person you're looking at is very special to you. Hindi ko alam kung totoo ba talaga yung ganon pero lagi akong nabibighani sa mga mata niya.