Black Honey

twenty

TW: a fuck ton of angst | I'm only planning to write a few more chapters of this story! Thank you to everyone who is reading this story! I love each and every one of you!  x

I paced back and forth in the parking lot, debating if it was right. I was always debating. No matter how many times Sam hurt me, I always felt guilty for moving on and getting over. That was his plague. The guilt was churning my stomach to the point where I felt like I was going to vomit. He was getting married. Married. That was permanent. It was over. I shouldn't let him have a hold on me anymore. I checked my face one more time to ensure all the makeup I had cried off was wiped away. I took a deep breath and tried to give myself a small pep talk in my head before heading inside. My heart was pounding.

The minute I saw Alistair, he greeted me with a friendly smile.

"How are you?" He asked.

That was enough for me to lose it completely. Tears were streaming down my face more rapidly than I could bring them back in. He wrapped his arms around me in silence, bringing me closer to him, swaying slowly. He stroked my hair lightly.
"It's all going to be okay." He assured me. 

"I just feel like bad things always happen to me, at the worst times too. I can't seem to get away. I don't think I'm a bad person, so I don't understand why." I sob, clutching onto his shirt. 

"Life is just one shitty test after the next, and sadly the strongest people get the brunt of the load to carry. It's the capitalist agenda."

I look up from crying for a minute, "Huh?"

"You're in the top 1% of strongest people, that's why you've got all the pain." 

"That was a stretch." I say, laughing. 

I back away from him, wipe my face, and apologize for being such a wreck within the first five minutes of our first official date. I hadn't realized the amount of people whose eyes had drawn toward us. I instantly felt sheepish. 

"You're not a wreck, life gets to us sometimes, and that's okay. You're human too." He smiles. 

He extended out his hand to me and I took it. We found a table and that was where it all began.  

5 YEARS LATER...

"Babe, can you come here really quick?" Alistair yelled from the other room. 

I placed the paintbrush and tin down, and headed toward his voice. 

"What's up?" I asked.

He signalled me forward, "Slowly."

"Another chipmunk?"

"Nope, a rabbit gave birth in our yard I guess, there are a bunch of little babies running around." 

"No way." I gasp. 

"Come see for yourself. "

I got as close to the window as I dared, seeing two rabbit babies staring up at us. They didn't run, just looked, wide-eyed. 

"They're so precious." I gush. 

"Maybe we should have one of our own." He said. 

"A bunny?"

"No, a baby."

I turned and looked at him, questioning. 

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah, we've been married for 3 years now, we're both financially stable. We have a space big enough. That is, if you want to. It's your body, I just stand on the sidelines pretty much."

"I don't know, Alistair. I love you, but I don't know if I can be a mom. I'd be responsible for a human life growing inside me." 

"You don't have to make a decision right now, mull it over. Whatever you decide, I'm with you 100%" he said, pulling me into his chest. 

"Have I ever told you I love you?"

"Yes, I love you too." He smiled. 

"But a lot."

"I love you, honey." 

**

At the store, I was glad to have my headphones in. I hated large crowds, but given my busy work schedule, I only ever got the chance to go to the store at the busiest times. I had wandered into the baby aisle, wanting to see how expensive it would be to have a kid. I was looking at how small the diapers were when a hand waved in front of me. I turned, only to be face to face with..

Sam. 

"Hi." He said. 

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I hadn't thought about Sam in over 5 years, and it seemed like some nightmare that he was here right now. I thought I would never have to see him again. After all the confusion he put me through, he didn't deserve to talk to me. 

"Hi." I said, dryly.

"How are you?"

Good, no thanks to you, asshole. 

"Good, you?"

"Good. I'm glad you're good. I've been thinking about you."

I was silent, I didn't care to indulge him any longer. Also, what a shitty thing to say to someone you screwed over???

"Baby shopping?"

"Looking. You?"

"No, I just saw you in the candle aisle and had to be sure. What's new? Seriously, I'd love to catch up."

"Listen Sam, I'm in no mood to catch up. I am not always going to be there when you decide I'm suddenly suited for you. I'm not going to be there in between hookups, marriages, girlfriends to be a shoulder to cry on. You made the decision a long time ago that I wasn't for you, so you don't get to change your mind now. I'm happy with my husband and all I want is for you to leave me the hell alone." 

I didn't stick around for his answer, nor did I really give a shit to be honest. For the longest time I was always there in between break ups, being his shoulder to cry on and providing comfort sex.  I was miserable, I hated myself and he didn't even do the bare minimum to reassure me. I would fight for his affection--cooking, cleaning, doing anything I could to make him happy. If I brought up the fact that I was doing it, he would deem it a selfish act because I expected something in return. Expecting gratitude isn't selfish, and it took me a long time to learn that. It was always pointless trying to talk about it with him about it because "he needed reinforcement--to keep being reminded of his fault in the moment'. Good luck getting a word in over him though. I had no right to speak to him about it because after all, I wasn't his girlfriend. I was just a quick and familiar fuck. 

For days, the interaction plagued my mind. Something about it felt weird to me. 

Maybe it was because I knew that he was King Kiszka, and that meant that he always got his way in the end.