Black Honey

twenty three

I couldn't stop thinking about Sam and how there were butterflies constantly swarming every time I thought of him. It didn't help with the bear sitting in the corner of our bedroom, polluting my thoughts. It hadn't helped that he had told me that Isabella was out of the picture. I had been the one to ask about her though. I look across the table at Alistair drinking his coffee, scrolling through reddit. He looked so innocent, pushing his hair back behind his ear. I loved how he was just so simple, he wasn't afraid to communicate his feelings, say what was on his mind. He loved me and supported me. It was such a healthy relationship. Why did I want something so problematic? Sam and I hadn't worked before, but I kept telling myself that we had grown as people and it could possibly work again. I didn't have the leisure to give him another chance though. I was married, I was going to have a kid with my husband. 

"Alistair?" I asked, playing with the teabag dangling from my cup. 

He looked up from his phone at me, inquisitively. 

"I don't think I can have a baby."

"That's okay honey, we can wait. We have years ahead of us, whenever you're ready, if  you are." He smiles. 

That could've almost made me cry. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I couldn't ever have a baby with him because my heart wasn't in it.

[8 YEARS AGO]

"Let's go on this ride, babe." Sam said, yanking me toward the only rollercoaster at the fair. 

"Oh no, please, not the rollercoaster." I said, trying to pull my body in the opposite direction. 

"Don't worry, I'll hold your hand." Sam smiled at me. 

The knots that had formed in my chest seemed to unwind when he smiled. Fear didn't exist where he did. 

He had somehow, with that smile, convinced me to sit in the front of the rollercoaster. I had pinched my eyes closed the minute the bar went down over our lap. As Sam had promised, his hand clenched mine, the entire time, as his screams of happiness blanketed the entire fair from up in the air. I could've just about thrown up after the ride, my head still buzzing from the ups and downs. Sam's touch stabilized me. 

"Babe, just because you were such a good sport, I'm going to win you a stuffed animal." He said, pulling me over to a booth. 

Throwing darts to pop balloons, seemed simple enough. At least that was the way that Sam made it seem when he effortlessly popped all 7 balloons, although you only needed to pop 4 to get the prize. 

"Show off." I said to him, rolling my eyes. 

"I have to prove to my lady that I'm worth her time." He winked at me. 

"What prize did you want, mister?" The teen standing behind the booth asked. 

"Babe?" He asked. 

I scanned the prize shelf when my eyes landed on a patchwork purple teddy bear. He looked new but also like he had been through tough times. It was just like Sam's and my relationship. I pointed to the bear and the kid handed it to me. 

"No matter how old we get, whenever you see this bear, you'll remember this day, I just know it. When I said I love you, I meant it. When I started into your eyes I saw something that has changed me for the better. I don't want to lose that babe, I never do." 

[PRESENT]

I stared at the bear that sat perched on the table in our little breakfast nook. I sipped my tea, contemplating. I didn't want to prematurely ruin my marriage. I had gotten married at 25 years old, which I had felt was a bit early, but I had been happy. I had been so sure at the time that I wouldn't have a connection with anyone the way I had with Alistair. There was a level of silent understanding that had just made navigating life easier. I needed someone to be soft with me after Sam. 

I decided that I would talk to Sam before I said anything to Alistair. I couldn't make a decision before getting clarity and closure. 

'Can we talk?' I texted Sam. 

'Yeah, when?'

'Now?'

'In person?'

'Yes, if you can.' 

'Yeah, just let me know where.'

'The field.' 

'Okay, see you soon.'

[10 YEARS AGO]

The field seemed so still, just us two, nobody else in the world. The gingham blanket was spread out beneath us, not providing much of a blanket from the scratchy tufts of grass that lay beneath it. 

"I'm gonna marry you someday you know?" Sam said, rolling his head over to face me. 

The clouds above didn't take any particular shape, but they did seem brighter than usual. Quite the contrast against the blue sky. 

"What?" 

"You're my girl, I can't see myself with anyone else. We're endgame." 

I couldn't form any words, but I squeezed his hand in mine. He was mine and I was his. It was as simple as that. 

[PRESENT]

"Hi." I greeted Sam. 

He looked different. His beard had come in scraggly and he had carried himself with a bit of a hunch. He wasn't the Sam I had seen in my nightmare. He was much less confident, defeated even. I felt a pang in my heart for him. He was my first love, maybe even my only love. 

"Hi." He said, calmly. 

He was wrapped in an aztec print blanket/poncho thing--a contrast to his toes peaking out of his birkenstocks. That was the Sam I knew. 

"How are you?" 

"Fine, how are you?"

"Fine as well." I said, taking a seat in the grass. 

"I think I know what you want to talk about."

"You do?"

"Yeah, you wanted to tell me how innapropriate it is to have sent you the bear, especially because you're married. I know that, Y/N, but do you remember what I said all those years ago?"

I stayed silent, watching him. It was much easier for him to unravel himself than to start the conversation with him that could have ended my marriage. 

"I said that I never wanted to lose that way you made me feel. I still feel that way. I know I screwed up so long ago, and its not fair of me to even mention this to you. I haven't stopped thinking about you, Y/N." 

"You got married, Sam. You stood in front of me, beside the lake, and told me that you were getting married. To Isabella. Not me."

"I know. I can't even justify that, I wasn't thinking. I wanted someone. I knew I had lost you at that point." 

"I'm married, Sam." 

"I know. Are you happy, Y/N?"

"He is always there for me, so sweet, so supportive, so loving. He respects me. He doesn't go and run around when things get tough, Sam. We talk about it, like adults." 

"But are you happy?" 

"Who wouldn't be?" 

"You didn't answer me." 

I was silent because I honestly didn't know. 

"If you're not happy with him, and you continue to stay with him, Y/N, you're no better than I was." 

"That's not fair, Sam."

"It may not be, but it's the truth and you know that." 

I knew he was right, but damn it, I hated to admit that.