Black Honey

twenty one

I wasn't sure whether the interaction had qualified as something I needed to disclose to Alistair, but I figured it was probably better that I did. I walked in the door, only being able to have found two of the items on my list at the store. In the kitchen, Alistair was fidgeting with the screws on one of the lamps on the table when I walked in. 

"I saw Sam at the market." I said, plainly. 

He raised his eyebrow at me. 

"He was trying to catch up sometime. I said no."

"Good, he can't waltz back in, expecting that you didn't have a life after him." He laughs. 

I feel myself ease up at his comment. I had told Alistair everything and he had been nothing but supportive since day one anyway. 

"I love you." I said, putting the items down on the kitchen counter. 

"I know, I love you too. That's why I married the hell out of you." He smiled, putting the lamp down to come over and hug me. 

"Let's have a baby." I said, suddenly. 

I wasn't sure if I wanted one, but I was pretty sure that that was the way you were supposed to feel. I mean who 100% wants to be responsible for another life  for 9 months. It felt like I was supposed to do. I didn't mean that. I didn't know what I meant, honestly. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted Sam out of my life, but he kept resurfacing, like a reoccurring nightmare. Maybe this would make me feel like I was me again. I couldn't voice this to Alistair, obviously. Any way that that came out of my mouth would sound absolutely terrible, and I couldn't do that to him. He had been there for me all these years. 

"Are you sure?" He said, draping his arms around my waist. 

I nod. 

"Let's do it then. Want to go look at baby clothes?" He said, a smile inching its way across his face.

I smiled back, nodding. 

God, I was a shitty human being. 

We went to the store, back to the baby aisle where Sam and I had had our conversation less than half an hour ago. 

Alistair's hand gripped mine as we walked into the aisle, I was so nervous. I felt like I was living a lie. I had to tell him. I had to tell him that I couldn't do this. I saw the look on his face though, how his eyes were sparkling. He really wanted to have a baby. 

I had calmed down a bit as we were thumbing through the teeny tiny onesies that adorned the walls. That was until I heard it. 

"I knew you'd be back." 

Sam. 

We both turned to face him. 

"You always come back to a place when you have a big decision to make. That's the way you are. I think you forget I know you well, Y/N." 

"What do you want, Sam?" I ask. 

"You never introduced me, Y/N, who is this?" 

"I'm Alistair, her husband." Alistair speaks up. 

"Husband? Interesting. I was supposed to be her husband too, way back when. You probably knew that though." 

"Yeah I did. We talk. That's the difference between the actual and almost husband." Alistair spat back. 

Oh god, are we really doing this in the baby aisle of the store?

"Well, if you two are really great at communicating, you probably knew that she doesn't want to have a baby." Sam said. 

I looked at him in disbelief. Was I really that transparent?

"That's where you're wrong." Alistair said. 

"You can see it in her body language. She always turns her rings when she's nervous and contemplating. She gets goosebumps because of her anxiety and she only ever comes back to a place when she is unsure." 

"Y/N?" Alistair asks me. 

I couldn't look at him, I couldn't lie to him. I couldn't bring a kid into this world without doing it wholeheartedly. 

"If she wanted a kid, she would've bought the clothes before coming home the first time. Isn't that right, Y/N?" 

"Again, what the fuck do you want?" I asked Sam. 

"You. You're my girl. Mine alone. Don't you know that?" He smirked. 

I woke up in a cold sweat. Thank god it was all a dream. I looked over to a sleeping Alistair. I loved him, I really did, but he wasn't Sam. There was something about Sam that always drew me back. 

I grab my phone and go down to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. My finger lingers over the call button next to Sam's name. Without giving it any more thought, I click it. It rings once, twice..

"Hello, Y/N? Is everything okay?" He answered. 

And just like that I was hooked again.