Black Honey

twenty two

"Hello Y/N? Is everything okay?" Sam's voice came over the phone

And just like that I was hooked again. 

"I-I"

I couldn't get words out. That was partly because I hadn't thought I'd actually call or that he'd pick up. 

"Bean?" He asked. 

He hadn't called me that since we were together, and I could've cried right there in the middle of my kitchen. The memories came flooding back. 

"How's Isabella?" I asked. 

"Gone. She was sleeping with her friend, Matt, this entire marriage." 

"I'm sorry." That was all I could muster. 

"Don't be. I deserved it after all I did to hurt you." 

I was silent then, I hadn't expected him to say something like that. At least he was aware of the way he was acting. 

"Are you okay though?" He asked. 

"Not really." I said, my body too tired to be on the offense. 

The light from the microwave read 3:26 AM. I was on my last brain cell of the night. 

"What's on your mind?"

"Nothing and everything at the same time."

"You're going to have to be a bit more specific than that." He laughed. 

"What happened to us, Sam?"

"I was a jackass and I lost the best girl for me."

"Please don't say that."

"It's true."

"I'm married now, Sam." 

"But are you happy?"

"I don't know."

"Are their butterflies in your stomach when you're in the same room?"

"That's not practical for when you've been married for years, Sam."

"Maybe so, but when you're in love, you're in love. I know the way you love, Y/N. Its big, its vibrant and its wholehearted."

"I haven't seen you in years."

"You haven't changed, you're too sure of yourself to change in that aspect."

"Goodnight, Sam."

"Goodnight, Y/N. Sleep tight."

The conversation left me feeling all types of emotions--I was angry that he thought he knew me still, after all this time. I was confused because those butterflies he mentioned were still in my stomach when I thought of him, dreamt of him, talked to him. Mostly, I was feeling guilty as I slipped back into bed next to Alistair, feeling  his arm drape over me as  I adjusted back into the bed. I couldn't get Sam out of my head though, and I needed to see him, I needed closure. I couldn't keep living like this. I couldn't tell Alistair though. He wouldn't understand, and I didn't want to hurt him. 

My phone lit up the room in a white glow as a text popped up. It was from Sam. 

'I hope you're okay and that you get your rest, you need it." 

**

The doorbell rang, which shook me awake. Alistair didn't stir even a bit, so I ran down to answer it, throwing my robe on. There was nobody there, but there was a package on my porch. I closed the door and brought the package into the kitchen. Inside was the purple patchwork bear that Sam had won for me when we went to the fair our first month together. There was a letter accompanying it. 

'Do you remember him? He used to be your favorite during your anxious nights. I hope that he can bring you that same comfort now. He and I will always be here for you, I hope you know that. Don't be afraid to reach out.' 

My heart was beating fast, and even though there was no signature on this letter, I knew that Sam had been thinking about leaving him with me for a while. He had held onto him after all these years. I took out the bear from the box and examined him. He looked almost brand new. When I clutched him to my chest, he smelled just like Sam, which led me to believe that he had been sleeping with him all this time. Alistair waddled into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. 

"What's that?" He asked. 

"A bear, my friend sent it." 

"That was sweet of them." He said. 

Why were the butterflies taking flight?