Devil's Sons M.C. (Manxman)

08.

Three weeks later

(Trigger Warning ⚠️)

Hunter

It felt like the world was crashing on me and there was nothing I could do about it. It felt like everything was closing in on me and I was stuck in this state of utter despair waiting and watching my life from the outside like I was a filler in the background of someone else's life.

I couldn't bring myself to do anything, everything seemed like a chore even my plain existence felt like one. The nightmares wouldn't stop but yet I couldn't sleep, it felt like I was stuck in a state of a very bad daydream as life was just passing me by.

Mornings brought sadness, afternoons brought sorrow and I just wished the night would take me away and everyone would forget about me. I haven't felt like this in a long time, very long time.

I was crashing and I could feel it, I was drained both physically and in my head. Everything seemed bland, black and white, nothing interested me and I just feel like crawling in a hole and forgotten forever.

The past two days have been hell, I lacked the energy to even stand up from my bed, the sunlight is blinding, my thoughts are crashing together. Sleep would come and then the nightmares would follow and I would wake up crying like a kid who lost their favorite toy. It sucks and I just couldn't perk up, not even finding the will in me to.

I'd just woken up from one of the nightmares and the tears wouldn't stop but I can't even clean them up because I'm tired.

Everything about that day so vivid and it plays in my mind like a movie but a really tragic one albeit a happy start.

"That looks like a fish surrounded by water, mom."

"It's not a fish silly, that's your baby brother on a sonogram." Joy radiates on her face, adding to that pregnancy glow and she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

At 14 years of age and as an only child, it had felt so weird when my mom came home one day and informed me that she was carrying a child, my brother. The closest person to a brother that I had was Levi so it felt both exciting and daunting. But I knew in my head that the little man was going to have all his firsts through my guidance.

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I stood in the kitchen making my sandwich one afternoon, my mom was by the porch for some fresh air she called it. Some spilled water on the floor and I was going to clean it right after I took my lunch upstairs. It happened too fast, like a movie I didn't want to feature in. All I remember is seeing my heavily pregnant mother writhing in pain, on the floor where she'd slipped. She kept making small sounds as I scrambled to call dad from the backyard who in turn called 9-1-1. Mom died of complications the next morning, same as my brother.

I manage to throw the comforter over my head, laying still under the darkness like everything will dissipate once light was introduced. I didn't. I'm usually good so why wasn't I perking up? I felt so lifeless yet alive, a weird contrast.

I must have fallen asleep in the darkness because I wake up later in a pool of my own sweat, to see mamba standing next to my bed.

"Is this one of those times when you tell me to leave you alone but I ignore you?" He asks quietly. I nod numbly hoping he takes the hint to leave me alone, I'm not worth the strength. But does he ever?

I only hear him shuffling around before I hear the door to my closet open up. He grabs my hand weapon and knives in his hand before closing the door back. "I'm not suic.." My voice chokes due to the lack of use for the past few days or maybe it's because I can't bear to say that word without choking. Or feeling inadequate. Or feeling less than human, trashy, judged. "I'm not that." I simply whisper.