fix you (13rw)

Chapter 1

Alex

I couldnt believe I kissed Zach Dempsey.

I couldnt believe I kissed Zach Dempsey on a rooftop. On a fucking rooftop.

A kiss on the rooftop sounds romantic right? A sky full of stars towering above you and the person you like. No one else. Just the touch of your lips on his.

No. My kiss on the rooftop was far from romantic. It was dreadful, awkward and one sided.

I couldnt believe I went in for the kiss. I instantly regretted it the moment I felt his lips on mine, it tasted sweet and bitter at the same time. Sweet because I dreamt of kissing Zach Dempsey for almost a year now, bitter because he didnt kiss me back.

Zach looked like he was a deer and I was the headlight. He just look confused. Maybe disgusted? I would never know.

I wanted to throw up. I could feel both of my hands shaking. Where's the door? I asked myself. I couldnt find the door. I need to go home and sleep. And maybe drink a few sips of Dad's alcohol in the fridge.

"Alex," Zach's voice was deep but tonight his voice was deeper than usual. "I- like, Im not, I- Alex."

He stopped. This was the first time I heard Zach stutter. He couldnt finish his sentence. But he didnt need to finish what he was saying, I already knew what he meant.

He is straight and he likes girls.

I didnt stutter though but If i could speak Im sure I would. I wanted to tell him that its okay if he's straight. That its okay that he didnt kiss me back but I couldnt open my mouth. As If I forgot the ability to speak.

"Man," He tapped me on my shoulder. His friendly demeanor is back but his puzzled face remained untouchable. "Why did you do that?"

Why did I kiss Zach Dempsey?

"Why did you kiss me?"

Why did I kiss you? Because you saved me, I was about to die and fall from this goddamn roof and you saved me and you know what happens when people face death right in front of their eyes? They do stupid things because they dont want to regret anything, they dont want to regret not taking risks. I took the risk, Zach.

Except I didnt say that. I didnt tell him any of that. I just looked at my feet, back at his face, trying my best to avoid his black jet eyes. I didnt want him to catch me lying. I didnt need Zach to see how vulnerable I am right now.

"I dont know." I sounded defeated and stupid. I took one deep breath and start heading for the door when I felt Zach's hand stop me.

"Where are you going?" He asked, even more confused.

"Home." I wanted to go home because it was my safe haven. I thought Zach was my safe haven. Turns out he wasnt.

"I thought were going to hang out?"

Is he really going to act as if I didnt kiss him? Like everything could go back to normal after this?

"Come here, sit with me." He was sitting on the edge of the rooftop, he looked at me, waiting for me to sit beside him.

Like a puppy following his owner. I did what he said, I sat beside him. The cold breeze hitting both of our bare faces.

Silence. All I could hear are the sound of car honking below us, that and the sound of our own breathing. It was not in rythm.

"You dont have to tell me anything," Zach calmly said, breaking the comfortable silence. You didnt have to do that Zach. "But if you want to tell me anything. Im all ears."

"Im sorry I kissed you." Im sorry for taking that risk.

"Its alright man," He finally found his confidence. This was the Zach that I know, the Zach that i fell inlove with. "You know that I love you right?"

Platonic. I nodded. I always knew that, he was mt best friend for a reason, but deep inside I was craving for more.

"I can never hate you Alex." I wanted Zach to hate me for kissing him, for falling for him. I needed him to push me away but he was doing the complete opposite, welcoming me with open arms.

"I know."

"Im sorry." He muttered.

"For what?"

"Because I disappointed you? I know you were expecting a different outcome or maybe you wanted me to say something I didnt say."

"You dont need to apologize." I should be the one apologizing, for potentially ruining our friendship.

"You're a great person," He looked at me, smiling goofily. "Hell I'd even say you're hot."

"Let's not go there." I shrugged him off, forcing a smile to match his.

"You'll find someone Alex."

I pushed back my tears. What if I thought I already found that someone? I couldnt cry here, not in front of Zach. I couldnt stand seeing him pity me or feel bad for me.

Our night ended there. Atleast for me. Everything that happened after that was nothing but a blur. Zach offered me a ride home, I said yes. Was that weird? I wanted to stay away from Zach but at the same time I needed more time with him. Alone. Because I know things will change after this night.

The ride home was swift, I almost hated how fast it was.

"Thanks for the ride." I unlocked the door and step out of his car. That was it. I took the risk and there was no payoff.

He stared at me, waiting for me to say something. I didnt speak. I couldnt open my mouth again. Things wont go back to normal after this.

"I'll message you when I get home." He waved his hand like he always used to and drove away. I watched as his car became a tiny speck of nothingness.

Few more steps and then I can finally cry.

My parents were already sleeping thats why they gave me a spare key for the main door of our house.

Few more steps Alex.

Few more steps.

Twisted the knob of my room. I was hit by the smell of emptiness. My room was empty. I greeted my bed, slammed my body on the mattress and then started crying.

I shouldnt have kissed him. But I wanted to kiss him. He said he could never hate me. But I wanted him to hate me.

He said he would message me when get home. I waited for an hour. I kept looking at my phone, opening all of my social media applications. He didnt message me. I eventually passed out, feeling numb from crying. The last thought that entered my mind before succumbing to sleep was his voice.

You'll find someone Alex.

What if I dont, Zach, what if I dont?

-
This is a new story, its not a sequel or a continuation of Boys (my other fanfic).

I also decided to write the first two/three chapters before publishing it.

Tell me what you guys think. Are you feeling it? I promise it will get better!

- G