fix you (13rw)

Chapter 12

Alex

I knew from the start that something was wrong with me. Like I was different from the kids in my class or the people in my circle of friends. I used to always admire people like Jessica for being a confident woman and Tony for being comfortable with his sexuality, for not letting the world dictates how they should live their lives.

Because thats what I did, what I was doing, I am letting the society control my life. I am letting the judgement from other people scare me from doing something that would result on my genuine happiness.

I dated Jessica Davis because with her, it felt safe. People would never notice how odd I was. It took months for me to convince myself that being with Jessica was what I truly want. Plot twist, it wasnt.

I never faked my feelings for Jessica, but I wasnt the most honest to myself when we were together.

Then Zach Dempsey came. When we're together, I was never afraid to get out of my comfort zone, to step out of the protective bubble I created. Zach pushed me to be more friendly, to socialize more with people because news flash, I hate human beings. I know that sounded a little edgy but after Hannah Baker took her life, I started hating everyone even more, especially myself. I even tried to take my own life, I obviously failed.

Zach slowly took me out of that hatred and anger. When I was with him I started feeling things, emotions that I was afraid of. The feelings that I tried pushing away because I was scared. That I like boys, I mean I like girls too but my attraction for boys were more dominant.

Then, Charlie St. George came into my life and swept me off of my feet. He was every boy and every girl's dream. He was sweet, gentle, he was the football team's quarterback. Charlie was perfect in my eyes.

Then why did you break up with him? Because Charlie doesnt deserve me. He doesnt deserve someone who would constantly lie to him, someone who would keep their relationship a secret. Charlie deserved someone who would comfortably hold his hands on the school's hallway.

Charlie St. George gave me more than what I asked for and I gave him nothing but bathroom kisses between classes.

My relationship with Charlie gave me a boost of confidence that I didnt know I needed. I was slowly starting to think that maybe I was normal and there was nothing wrong with me. But it ended in a blink of an eye.

I checked my social media, I purposely stalked Charlie, I wanted to know how he was handling our break up without actually talking to him. He posted a photo on his Instagram a few hours ago,  it was a picture of him with his football teammates. The caption was just a bunch of football emojis. I gave it a like, wanted him to know that I still care eventhough were no longer together.

Exploring on social media lead me to Zach's instagram handle. Most of his photos were shirtless photos or him in the gym. His body looked beautiful and defined, he looked strong. He posted a picture of us a month ago during our vacation, it was a selfie of us right before we entered the movie house. We looked so happy and contented. Those were the good old days.

Then I ended up on Tony Padilla's Instagram account. He barely post anything on his feed but he posted a story a few minutes ago, he was at the boxing gym near our house. Maybe Tony could help me.

I grabbed my corduroy brown jacket and a pair of my favorite sneakers. It was a walking distance from my house, I didnt mind walking eventhough the streets were a bit crowded because it was the weekend.

Tony was in front of a punching bag, hitting it with his fists. The shirt he was wearing were covered in sweat. He didnt notice me not until I walked in front of him.

"Alex," He stopped punching, he took out his earphones that were plugged in his ears. "You go here?"

"No," I said. My outfit doesnt exactly scream gym, I was wearing a jacket for God's sake. "I just saw your story. I've been wanting to talk to you about something."

"About what?" Tony took of his gloves, grabbed a towel and wiped it on his face.

"How come you're so confident about your sexuality?" I asked him. It was true, Tony was probably the most badass gay person I know. Not that his sexuality mattered.

"You just got to learn not to give a fuck," Tony sat down on the nearby bench. He drank on his water bottle before continuing. "Want to know why Im always in the gym? Training? Its because I know the world is fucked up and that people like me needs to know how to fight for themselves."

"Like us." I corrected Tony. Coming out to Tony felt right because I know out of all of my friends Tony would understand my place the most.

"What?" Tony looked at me with a puzzled face.

"People like us," I said again, this time I expanded on the context. "I think... I think, I'm not straight too."

"Oh," Tony was shocked but I could see he didnt want me to feel uncomfortable. "Welcome to the club. I would hug you right now if I wasnt sweaty and gross."

"So," Tony continued. "Does anyone else know?"

"Zach does," I swallowed the bitter taste in my mouth. "Charlie too."

"Are you and Charlie?" Tony asked, implying if we were together.

"We broke up." Hearing it come out of my own mouth was weird.

"Oh," I couldnt believe I dropped all of these truth bomb to Tony. "How about Zach?"

"I like him." I admitted.

"He's straight," Tony stated the obvious but he was wrong. Zach kissed me on that party and it wasnt the alcohol that made him do it, the alcohol pushed him to do something he wanted to do. "Dont waste your time on straight guys."

"Yeah." I didnt tell Tony about Zach's situation. It wasnt my place to out him. I would never do that to him or anyone.

"Your secret's safe with me Alex," Tony stood up and patted my shoulder. "Im here if you need anything okay?"

"There you are," It was Caleb. He wrapped an arm around Tony's waist and kissed him in front of everyone in the gym, not giving a fuck. "Hi Alex."

"Caleb." I smiled at him.

"I didnt know you go here." Caleb smiled back.

"No, I just wanted to talk to Tony," I admitted. "I live nearby though."

"Well, if you want to train or anything just hit me up." Caleb gave me his number. I knew I could trust Caleb too, he was Tony's anchor.

I left the gym and walked back to my place. I felt good despite the shitty things that happened from the past days. I heard from someone that when a lot of fucked up things had been happening to you. Eventually, good things would come your way. I hope and pray that this was the start.

-

Just an Alex chapter figuring himself out and slowly coming out of his shell (or closet, whatever you prefer)

Be sure to check out my Clustin story too. Its on my profile, the title is Everglow. Were already on the 5th chapter and Ive been doing daily updates aswell.

- G