Die A Little

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

Seconds felt like hours as I watched the hands of the clock on the wall tick by. I hadn't slept all night; the guilt was keeping me awake. Amy had pulled away throughout the course of the night, with her back to me. My body fell cold without someone else to touch, to hold; the slight breeze creeping in through the open window felt like a thousand needles at my skin.

Looking around the room that was now lit by the early morning sun peeking through the gap in the curtains, I could see how our clothes had been thrown to the floor amidst the haste, drawing a heavy sigh out of me. I was ashamed. This was all of my fault; I let the jealousy get the better of me and this was the outcome. If only I had just listened to what Brian was saying, maybe I wouldn't have fucked up. He wasn't asking for much and I realise that now.

But it was too late to feel sorry for myself.

Deciding that laying there was making the betrayal worse, I pushed the comforter from my lap and sat up, letting my feet meet with the wooden floorboards. I leaned down and grabbed hold of my boxers, standing up and pulling them on. The silhouette of my body in the sunlight brought Amy out of her sleep as she rolled over and pulled the covers up over her chest. Her smile was beautiful, but that morning it felt venomous.

"Where are you going?" She asked quietly as I raised a hand to my head and raked my fingers through my hair.

"I need to get back home." I answered just as timidly.

"Oh...okay," Amy accepted. "Will I ever see you again?"

"I..." I stalled. "I don't think that it's a good idea if we do."

"Why not?"

"Because, Amy," I could feel the tears forming in my eyes, my voice trembling. "I can't control my urges around you. I don't know what it is, but I'm drawn to you. I want to feel you, touch you all over again. But—"

"You can't." She finished for me as I nodded my head.

"You have to know that I'm gay, at least I thought I was...you're the only girl I've felt differently for." I explained regretfully. "But this is wrong. I mean, I have a boyfriend and he's at home probably worrying sick over where I am right now."

I watched the sorrow fill her eyes but she hid it well. "Please don't hate me."

"I don't hate you, Sal." Amy assured.

"I'm sorry." I apologised when she sat up and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself. "I wish I could give you the answer that you were looking for."

"It's okay." She accepted, though I could tell that she was fighting back tears of her own. "You should get back to him."

I didn't respond. She was right. I needed to get back to Brian and come clean before he found out from someone else. I turned around, reaching for the rest of my clothes as Amy remained on the bed, watching me. I got myself dressed in my outfit from the night before, soon facing the girl again. She couldn't bring herself to look me in the eyes as I took a seat on the end of the mattress beside her. I felt the bed dip as she moved to sit next to me. I rested my hand at her bare thigh, feeling her arms loop around mine and settle her head on my shoulder.

The longer I waited, the more I was putting off seeing Brian. I didn't know if he wanted to see me, but I knew that I had to come clean. I was terrified of the outcome, but I had no one else to blame for this but myself. Facing the consequences of my actions was my only way out of this.

I pressed one last kiss to her forehead, before I made my way out. When I made it to the doorway, I turned to the girl and took one last longing look at Amy. Her beauty was captivating but I knew deep down that I didn't love her...I loved Brian.