That Summer Feeling [H.S.]

42. R U Mine?

I lost my virginity the night before my first day of college.

I was a few months into being 18 and felt pathetic for being as inexperienced as I was. Looking back at it now, I was ridiculously stupid for thinking that. I didn't have to rush myself or feel pressured if I didn't feel like I was ready for it. It could have saved me from making a mistake that night.

I was at a party, a big and loud one that took place in Liam's backyard while his parents were out of town for the weekend. It managed to line up with our last weekend before school started so naturally and very cliche of us, we threw a party.

It was also my second time getting horribly drunk. I didn't blackout or anything, even though a few months prior to this night I had vowed to never touch a drink again due to my homecoming incident. Guess I didn't learn my lesson hard enough.

I think the reason I got so plastered was that I was scared and nervous for my first day of college classes. I didn't know what to expect and felt like no matter how much I prepared for it, I wouldn't be ready.

So at the peak of the party, I was a risky combination of drunk, scared, and desperate.

I don't remember a lot. I don't remember how I ended up in Liam's room with Adam and half a bottle of vodka in our hands. I do, however, recall somewhat of the conversation we had in the next hour about how scared we were about going into college and about the future. In this conversation spurred on by alcohol, we both confessed to each other that we were still virgins.

The next thing I knew, we both agreed to take each other's virginity because we hated the fact that we were going to college and still being virgins. We were afraid we were going to get judged or made fun of. As I said, I look back at this and think that mindset was so dumb. I had to find out the hard way that it's not a race, it doesn't make you cooler, and it doesn't make your life magically better.

Both of us were very hesitant and apprehensive about it, despite our clouded judgement swirling in cheap vodka. Ultimately, we agreed that we had our best interests in mind and mutually respected one another. We wanted to experience our first time with someone we knew and trusted. We had promised that it wouldn't change anything between us. That we'd still remain good friends and we'd keep it a secret.

It was painful, awkward, and nothing like all those romance films I've watched make it out to be.

After it was over and we laid in silence next to each other for a few minutes while the party was still going on. Both of us too self-conscious and awkward to say anything. I remember getting a weird, overwhelming pressure in my chest. I started feeling very lightheaded and like something was building up in my stomach. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom because it felt like I was sick. But nothing ever came out.

As soon as Adam came up to me and tried to comfort me, I snapped. I broke out in heavy, never-ending tears. I had all these weird emotions built up in me by the end of the night that I just let them all loose all at once. I yelled at Adam, telling him that this was a mistake and it should have never happened. I pushed him away. He'd tried to talk to me and calm me down but it made things worse.

I felt like I couldn't breathe in that tiny bathroom so I took off. I quickly put on my clothes and ran out of that house. Even when I was out in the warm air of that late August night, I still felt like I couldn't breathe.

Liam's parents' house was only three blocks away from Gigi's house so as soon as I exited the party, my feet ran that way. I knew she was home because she had stopped by the party for only an hour, not wanting to stay longer so she could rest for her early class the next day. I still feel bad about making her open her door to me at 2 in the morning and listen to my cries all night.