Being thrown away in the garbage in a dark alleyway in London when she was only a baby, she should have died that day... But she didn't.. instead, a man saved her. He brought her in and saved her, fed her, bathed her, raised her and more importantly...
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"Aww that's pretty cute"!
"who knew big bad Enzy was such a big softy".
"She looks so cute sleeping".
"shut up Milo you will wake them".
"But it's no fair! Why can't she cuddle with me".
I heard voices around me so I hugged my pillow tighter. "aww this is so unfair". The voice whined. I groaned trying to cuddle myself more into the pillow. The pillow was a hard surface but slightly soft at the same time. I heard a few chuckles and coos around me. I tried slightly getting up but felt a large heavy wait wrapped around my waist. I snuggled more into the warmth only for my pillow to vibrate with a deep chuckle and groan. My eyes shut open for a second I felt panicked at the memories of Mike. But I looked up to see Enzo smiling softly at me. "WHAT THE- ". I squirmed out only to find my butt on the floor. "Ow". I mumbled earning a loud chorus of chuckles. "Did you have a good sleep baby". Milo cooed earing a angry glare from me. "Don't call me baby". I spat. "Aww I'm sorry.....baby". I huffed in annoyance and Alex came and helped me up. When he lifted me up I felt my shoulder soaring out in excruciating pain. I sucked in my breath and dug my nails in my palm to keep myself from whimpering.
"are you ok"? Alex asked sounding worried scanning me up and down for injuries. I gave him a weird look. What was he doing? "um Yeah"? He sighed loudly smiling softly at me. I just gave him and the boys a dumbfounded look. "What time is it"? Enzo glanced down at his fancy Rolex watch. "-3 pm". I formed and oh shape and took a deep breath. "So did you guys have a good time"? I asked looking down to my feet. Only for someone to lift my chin up. "When you talk keep your head held high and look directly in the persons eyes". I shifted uncomfortably and Alex stepped back. "Umm Coolio.... I might just-um I will just... I am just going to go to bed". I mumbled and ranted over my words. Before antone could say another thing I sprinted out of the room into my room like the hotel lounge room was caught on fire.
What the hell?
Those boys are so confusing..
One minute they hate me the next minute they act like they care.
I paced around the room letting my thoughts go wild. I felt as if I had the world on my shoulders. I had so much going on and I had no idea how to handle it all..
Mikes sexual and physical abuse.
Margaret's physical and verbal abuse.
The drugs
Dad
Police
Court trial date.
Vince
Brothers
twin
Mike and Margaret going to prison.
Moving to another country.
All the things went around and around my head like an endless spiral. Constantly spinning in my mind. Its funny to think that Mike and Margaret isn't even going to jail for what they did to me. instead they are going to prison more for themselves. When Frank asked me what he did this morning my who world stopped. Did he know? Does he know? It was such an innocent question but for me it meant so much more than that. It was question what held so many lies and so mark darkness. It was question that meant if answering it, it could either make me or break me.
"how was your life living with Mike and Margaret"?
knowing my odds, it will most likely break me. I don't have anyone in this world but me. no one can fight my battles. I have made it this far on my own, and I will most likely fight the rest of my life alone. It seems like a lonely life. But for me it seemed appealing. It meant not losing anyone. It meant not taking the risks of getting my heart broken again. It means not letting myself love or get to close. It means not being to comfortable. Because if I get too comfortable it is just all going to be taken away from me and I will be left broken.
That is how my life works. Whatever I touch whoever comes in my life. They leave me and I become more broken, numb and alone. I've learnt to deal with my demons alone. My demons are to dark they are too evil they are to cold for me to share to anyone. If someone knew what has happened to me they would send me away to the mental hospital. Vince will most likely abandon me. my brothers will hate me more and they will be completely disgusted by me.
This is how the world works. Life isn't meant for unconditional love and kindness it is meant for hatred and coldness. My life was not brought into this world to be loved or nurtured. That is why my dad was taken away. That is why my own mother wanted to get rid of me. that is why the only mother figure verbally and physically abused me. that is why I was raped every night and was abused to the point of bones breaking. That is why my own biological brothers hate me.
Broken
Tomorrow I will be lying to the judge, to Vince, to my brothers. The only people who will know the truth is two people and they will probably be mocking my cowardness the whole time. Cause no matter how tough I act and how I act like I don't care. I am just hiding a scared little 7-year-old abused girl who is just missing hero.
And no matter how hard I try to come to the acceptance that my hero is gone. I still wait for him to walk through the door and save me.
I clutched onto my teddy bear for dear life. Smelling the faint scent of honey and dad. My teddy bear always made me feel like he was here. no matter how much I want to accept that he is gone and that he is dead. I still pretend that he is here. that he Is holding me, that he is protecting me..
I miss you daddy.
Tears poured down my cheeks. Though I might be numb and broken all I feel is grief. I have never got the opportunity the grief him. After his death mother locked all of his belongings in the attic and whenever I cried she yelled and screamed at me. The tighter I clutched onto the old bear the more memories came back.
His distant burning touch.
Her ear-piercing words.
The forceful sloppy kisses.
His heavy body.
The rope.
The knife
The burning pan.
The kicks.
The slaps
The punches.
I felt as if everything was happening again. The throb in between my legs only grew. The pain in my shoulder only burned more. The scars on my back hurt more. The burn on my thigh stung more. My sobs caught in my throat and all I wanted was comfort. I want my dad's strong arms. I want the feeling of feeling safe and secure. I crave and long for the feeling of being wanted. The feeling of being.... loved.
