STILL THE ONE

Chapter 21 - I Just Can't

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I'm crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

Shawn did his Q&A first and he got the first Shawmila question, which they knew would happen.

"The girl with the blue hair. You look so cute!"

"Oh my God, thank you!"

"So what's your question?" he asked.

"I know you get asked this all the time, but are you and Camila dating?"

He looked to the wings where Camila was waiting but she looked terrified and shook her head at him, and he realised she had changed her mind, she didn't want to go public as they discussed. He had a strange vibe but to be honest he felt the same, more because he was worried about Camila than having concern of his own. He had gone through that period of doubt when he went home to Toronto, he had faced his fears and come out of it completely committed. He was worried that now it was her turn. There was something wrong, and when he looked up she was gone. He fobbed off the girl who asked, making them all laugh, and as soon as the session was over he went looking for Camila. He knew where she'd be and as expected she was in his dressing room. She was pacing back and forth, wringing her hands. He had never seen her so anxious.

"Hey, come here," he said, taking her in his arms. She was stiff and unresponsive but he rubbed her back and she melted into him. "It's OK, we'll go public when the time is right. We'll fly to Greece tomorrow, get on the yacht and have two weeks sailing the Med, just you and me. Well, and the crew, but apparently we'll hardly know they're there and they are paid well for their discretion, so nothing to worry about. Then, if you feel like it, we can go public before we start the Latin American dates, or leave it til after tour like we originally planned. There's no rush, honey, whenever you feel ready."

"I don't know why I feel this way, I just panicked! It feels like it went from all those months of just us to suddenly everybody knowing, and I can feel them looking at me all the time, and its no longer just our thing Shawn, it's everybody's and if we tell the fans, and the media and everyone else, then it becomes THEIR thing too, and everywhere we go people will judge us, they'll judge you for being with me and me for being with you, I just...." She began gulping in air and he helped her with her breathing and gave her a glass of water but when he tried to hug her again, she stepped back.

"No, I cant, I'm feeling so claustrophobic right now, I don't know why," she panted.

He helped her calm down as much as he could before having to go on stage and when he came off he found her with Sinu.  She was ready to go on after the break but she was still pale and she wouldn't meet his eyes. Sinu shrugged, looking worried. He watched her set from the wings and she did well but there was just that special something missing and when he went out she wouldn't look at him, she turned her face away when he went to kiss her after "Kiss Me" and didn't hold his hand for the bow, almost running off at the end. He waved and took a more leisurely exit and when he came off stage she was gone. Everyone tried to get him to come out to celebrate, they had booked a restaurant for a big paella and sangria festa with traditional flamenco guitarists and dancers. Camila would have loved it, but she had gone back to the hotel with Sinu apparently, so he used the early flight the next morning as an excuse and went back as well.

All the way there he rang her and texted her, with no response, and when he got to the room and she wasn't there he tried Sinu. She picked up after a few rings and before he could say anything she said "I'll be there in a minute Shawn," and hung up. He waited, and fifteen minutes later there was a knock at the door. He opened it to find Camila's Mom.