𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙁𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙤𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙣 𝙋𝙖𝙨𝙩 || Eren Jaeger

𝒈𝒓𝒊𝒎 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒑𝒆𝒓

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ACCORDING TO HANJI, and the hormone test she ran using my blood, I was 11 weeks pregnant.

11 weeks. Was.

It almost makes sense that it ended up this way. That the road leading to that ideal future, what many people would consider a blessing, would be blocked off for me. The universe gave me something and then changed its mind.

Or at least, that's what I could tell myself. If I want to use the universe as a scapegoat and say that it was all up to fate, I can use that ideology. But I won't.

Because deep down I know... the universe gave me that baby, and I disregarded it like an unwanted gift.

Hanji proved herself to be a supportive shoulder to cry on after I woke up from the sedative. No matter that I didn't actually cry on it. A switch flicked inside me once I woke up. I didn't feel anything. After a monsoon of tears the day prior, this emotional wetland has dried and desecrated to dust.

Hanji had given me a hospital gown and cleaned me up while I was asleep, as well as the rest of the medical room. When she saw I was coming around she made a cup of tea, which I hardly drank due to a lack of motivation to even lift the cup to my lips. She asked me two things:

"Did you know?"

I said, "No."

Because I didn't. But I wasn't stupid— I saw the perturbed twinkle in her analyzing eyes, the way her thin eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly. I explained to her that I didn't garner a clue until the pains started. Then the theory kind of crashed into my reality, hitting me with the force of a thousand bricks. But when my cycle never came a month ago... and still didn't arrive a month later after that... I never even noticed.

Which is insane. I realize that now. But at the same time I can understand pre-miscarriage me on a deeper level unlike anyone else can. The stress of Eren's kidnapping, tracking down Kenny's squad, the Survey Corps almost getting disbanded, Rod Reiss transforming into a titan, the impromptu plan to save Orvud district... I had just come back from all these stresses, into a slow-burn 2 month period where all I did was find another thing to preoccupy myself with. Something else to obsess over, to get restless and devoted towards. Historia's orphanage wasn't a relaxing break, it was just me latching onto something else until we could finally get on the battlefield again. I was always going the extra mile: cooking the meals, helping the kids with their daily routines, staying up late to clean the home spotless, waking up early to feed the farmstead, nourishing the crops, fixing what could be fixed, expending energy where it could be expended...

The whole time, I was still operating like a soldier. I made what could've been a time of rest into another battle, another fight. I was so disassociated, I didn't even realize what was going on in my body.

Hanji understood. She would, after all, she's been in the military longer than me. But she gave it to me straight: I obviously have a problem with my own company.

A day ago I would've told her to lay off. But after this... this mishap that I cannot fathom into words... I'm forced to consider she might be right.

Somewhere in the thick of it all, I became the war. The hardships, the tribulations, the bloodshed... it isn't part of me, its become me.

Outside of the Survey Corps... do I even know who I am?

I said that Hanji had asked me two questions. That was the first. The second, I admit, wasn't necessarily a question. But I wish it had been.

"You know you need to tell Eren."

"Why? It's dead, I killed it. It's not like he's going to be a father now." I said dispassionately. How the hell does she expect me to admit to Eren that I robbed him of a child?