Solitude -> The Walking Dead

49

The sound of Carl's laugh made the corners of my lips turn up. It didn't last long. Never did these days.

I stretched my legs and leaned against the stairs that I've been sitting on. Despite a quick reunion, I barely said a few words before going outside with the excuse of holding watch.

A genius wasn't required to figure out that Michonne used the chance to inform them of my brother. Perhaps to make them more understanding.

I didn't need their pity. The thought of it made me want to scream. Seeing it in their eyes would only solidify the truth. That he was gone.

I don't think I can live with that.

The doors of the porch creaked as someone pushed them open. My eyes didn't leave the space in front me as Carl sat down next to me. At first, he didn't say anything.

We sat there in silence. My eyes closed as the muscles in my body relaxed just a tiny bit. If I tried hard enough, I could almost picture Abby sitting next to me instead.

That illusion broke as quickly as I had conjured it. Flashes of Ryan's face went through my head and I couldn't keep my eyes closed any longer.

Peace was fleeting. Especially these days.

"Michonne said to give you this," Carl handed me a bowl, "threatened to hold an intervention if you refused."

The bowl contained some, probably expired, cereal. I took it in my hand and nodded in acknowledgement. He seemed disappointed by my lack of response.

Looking at him or speaking with him only reminded me that Abby wasn't here. I don't even know if she's alive. It's not Carl's fault. But that doesn't change the fact that I'd trade his life for hers in an instant.

"How's your dad?" I spoke up.

Not gonna lie, he looked half dead. I wasn't in great shape but I wasn't nearly as bad as him. It's a miracle he's even alive after what he's been through.

Carl shrugged. "Slowly recovering."

"That's good." I replied.

Knowing they were alive brought relief, as well as mixed feelings. I wanted to be happy because of their wellbeing. Yet an intrusive thought kept gnawing at me.

"He wants to talk to you." Carl said.

I hesitated before eating some of the cereal. It bought me time to think of a reply. Talking to Rick was the last thing I wanted. Despite thinking he was dead for the last few days.

"Did he tell you that?"

"He didn't have to."

I nodded. A few days can feel like an eternity. These last ones sure felt like it. Seeing Rick was enough for me. I'm afraid of what I'll do if I speak with him. No matter how inevitable it is.

Carl didn't say anything else but stayed with me until I finished the cereal. His presence was welcome, even if it was painful.

We both went inside at the same time. Rick's eyes followed my every move as I ignored them and went upstairs. I didn't have the strength to deal with talking.

I entered one of the rooms and laid on the bed inside it. My eyes closed as I tried to fall asleep. I twisted and turned trying to convince my body that it was okay to take a breather.

After a while, it did work. Mostly due to exhaustion. Even then, it was hell to endure it. A restless sleep carrying the weight of grief within me. It offered absolutely no peace.

Nightmares of Ryan's undead torment startled me awake. I gasped for air as my body pulled itself into a sitting position. As sweat dripped down my head, I noticed another figure in the room.