20 Seconds..(BL)

Part 33: I can't love you nor hate you!

Continuation of the previous part..

That Night I could not sleep. I wandered what is wrong with me.Since you left me I was not happy even for a second..I took a moment and thought..

"Am I happy these days? Maybe I am or Maybe I am not.. If I am not happy today does it mean I won't be happy forever?..No it doesn't!..Till today I kept you alive in my heart by hurting myself..But that's the thing. I was not alone who was sad I was making sad to the people around me ! To forget everything completely will be my only remedy to be happy after today..Afterall We live to be happy and I will be happy atleast will try  .. Not for myself but for the people who want my happiness. And at this point their happiness matters the the most! "

After what Neo did to me it was hard to be happy again. It was hard to forget. It was hard to suffer..I did not show but I was afraid... I was afraid to be in pain, To be touched, To be loved. I started getting panic attacks in the middle of the night. To the world  I pretend to be normal. I pretend that I am strong And about what happened ...I don't give a damn about it!On one side where I tried to fight with my own condition people at the other side pitied me while some joked about my condition ..Whenever someone used Gay I started getting panic attacks. My sexuality was my biggest fear now! I saw various reactions from the society..And one thing I knew for sure was If I get exposed in an official way I would be doomed..people won't accept me and I will be left out to be alone for the rest of my life..My panic attacks were mild at first ..I felt my hand and feets are no more part of my body I felt totally numb.. I have palpitations.. My head hurts like hell..
All say time heals everything But In my case this time was my enemy as day passed my heart felt even more heavy and my panic attack was now a serious issue..I used to act normal as I don't want anybody to pity me.. I realised that being weak will only make me a clown and I had enough of it. I never admitted that I was a Gay.. Or something like that ever happened to me.. I tried to act cool as much as I could..Everyone asked me about Rio even Tin did and all I could say was I never knew this person and that Neo threatened me to take this name.. ! I lied!

I thought things were getting better after I made myself understand that to live in this world you will need to Lie, Hide and Forget certain things..
I started to attain my classes with Tin..I thought atleast he must be the one who will understand me. Just for once I wanted to trust our bond and I confessed Tin that Rio is someone I loved and that I am gay..This was hard for me to reveal ..But I was wrong..He abandoned me after that..he avoided my calls and being around me. I was upset..I knew I lost him! But I didn't want to trouble him too so I kept my distance..

One thing which was positive and that was Lay feeled pretty good now she started attaining her classes too ..I accepted things around me and everything was fine until that day!
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One day Lay received a note from a unknown person.. It said ,

"Your brother loves to steal! And I'm worst when it comes to stealing!Lets meet soon honey, I will make your brother pay for everything..Trust me I won't hurt you! "

She told me about this and I was worried. I needed to Protect my sister. Without delay I started to find out the source. My Dad's security Mr.Apichart helped me with this..But unfortunately we got no satisfactory results..My dad was troubled firstly and I thought I could take care of this matter..This was my biggest mistake! I didn't report it to him.. Which I still regret!.. It was 15 days now and no more letters were delivered. Though I didn't compromise with Lay's security she was always on gaurd..

Soon it was Lay's birthday! One event which we could celebrate joyfully after so long.. I went to wish her first as it was my dignity to always wished her first on her birthdays.I went near her and sat down.. She woke up as I Whispered in her ear, "Happy birthday Nong Lay"..Rubbing her eyes she said, "You never forget to wish me first, do you? "And gave me a tight hug .. I asked her, " What do you want for your birthday this year?"She thought as she always do and said,
"You see brother I don't have any wish this year for myself but I need you to promise me one thing.