The Truths Behind the Life of Maeve Sun Lively

14

RIGHT AFTER MR. WANG TOLD ME about the captain spot, the glass doors of the studio slams open.

It was still early morning, maybe around seven-thirty. The only people in the studio were me, Mr. Wang, and Phoebe. Phoebe drops her phone, the slammed glass door shakes the whole studio for a good two seconds.

Standing before us, is Bridget. Her hair is tangled, and her face full of pillow marks. Her eyes aren't the pure black they should be, it looks blurry with—something. She's still in the clothes she was in yesterday evening when I last tucked her into bed. Part of me felt relieved to see her, that she was okay and that the drugs didn't give her any side effects; no, maybe it did, I rather not know. But then the other part of me was terrified, and my insides were screaming at me to just run away and leave.

There was something different about her—no, everything about her was different that early morning. But it was the expression on her face. Tears streaks all over where her pink cheeks should be, which were eerily pale looking. Her eyes locked on mine, and I looked away. But I could feel them. Even without looking at her I was seeing her so well. Too well. I wanted to dig my eyes out.

"B-Bridget." Mr. Wang says. "Good morning."

Phoebe picks up her phone in the background and I could feel her trying to slide away from the tense atmosphere.

Bridget doesn't look anywhere else. She looks only at me. I couldn't read her.

"Where were you yesterday, Bridget? You missed the concert." I couldn't see Mr. Wang because he was behind me but I could hear the small fragments of fear in his voice. The Bridget that was so kind, so pure, so gentle, was just gone in that moment. I could feel her anger burning, and it was all directed towards me. I was so scared, she could just tell them everything. Tell them I drugged her, tell them I was the one who made her miss that concert. But then, would Mr. Wang take away my captain spot and give it back to Bridget? Would he? And what would the other girls think of me then?

She was still staring at me, and I stopped avoiding her eyes and looked straight at her. And when I did, I realized it wasn't just anger on her face. It was...sadness. She looked so sad, so broken, and it made me ache. I didn't know what to do, I just looked on to her. Into those blurry dark eyes, and I realized she was crying now. Whimpering. Shaking. Sobbing. And I...I was the one to cause all that.

I wanted to run up to her, hug her, stop her sobbing. And that kiss from the night before...I didn't know what it had meant, and I still don't. But I had wanted that too from her, not that I deserved it anymore or ever did. I just wanted to make her feel better. It all just suddenly felt so stupid, what I had done. I drugged my friend, the person who probably loves me the most unconditionally I had ever felt those years, I hurt her. And...what humanity did I have left of me? I felt like a monster in those moments, and I still often do these days. I've done so many terrible things, many of them hurting the ones I love, and what I did to Bridget that time was one of them.

"Mr. Zhong, the big producer, he came last night and really enjoyed the show..." Mr. Wang started saying.

And it was in those few seconds, those words as they slowly formed out of Mr. Wang's mouth, that I realized it was going to be the thing—not even the drugging—that hurts Bridget the most.

"When you weren't here, Maeve filled in your spot. And now...Mr. Zhong wants to work with us but he only knows Maeve as captain and he really enjoyed her up there. So I've decided to move the captain spot to Maeve now."

She could've told them everything right then, right there. And that might have been a chance to get her back the captain spot. And maybe not just that, she could've also got me in jail, got me arrested. She could've done all that, and I was just standing there, waiting for her to expose me. Waiting for her to hurt the person who betrayed her. She took in a wounded wolf pup, she cared for it, and then when it grew older, into an adult, the wolf bit her back instead. She cared for me, and I repaid her by ruining her. By hurting her.

I could barely make myself look at her properly when she simply nodded. Then she said, "That's great. I'm not feeling too well today, is it alright if I take a break?"

She wasn't staring at me anymore, and I think I craved for her stare. I wanted her, I was so sorry, I wanted to drop to my knees and start to beg her to forgive me. But I didn't move.

"Uh, sure. Yeah, go get some rest, you look a little tired."

She thanked Mr. Wang and exited the studio. That tense atmosphere also left with her, and Phoebe started coming up to me and mumbling about what happened. But I wasn't listening, I was looking at the glass doors of the studio Bridget had left from. And, I've never wanted something so badly from someone until that moment. Not even from my own mother. I wanted Bridget to come back to me and tell me what I did wasn't wrong, that she understood. It was such a selfish thought, but sometimes, aren't we all incredibly self-serving for our own self purposes?

WE WERE THE BIGGEST hit.

It's like, you were in the gutter for so long, living life without anyone noticing your existence, then all of a sudden you're on a pedestal and you're rising and rising, and no one is stopping you.

Once we got booked better concert places, we made a new album and in those songs we had several music videos. I still remember all of us (Bridget wasn't with us that day, or most of the days), gathering behind the computer screen and watching the numbers of people listening to our songs, our album, grow and grow. Mr. Wang, you should've seen him, he was gloating as he walked everywhere.

Our live concerts were incredibly big. There would even be fire shooting up on the side of the stage to really just rock the tension. The crowd, no longer fifteen to twenty people, were filled with hundreds of people. Maybe even a thousand. In their hands were all kinds of posters and boards being waved, with our names, our pictures, and the name G.W. F.. People knew our songs, they sang and screamed the lyrics when we danced and sang through them. They loved them. They loved us.

We were famous. It felt like a dream, it felt amazing. But most of all, people came to watch me mostly. Even when getting autographs, they all mostly came to me. I was the captain, I had the center spot at all times. People came for me, even though my singing wasn't even half as good as the others. But they were here, and it was because of me. People were just starting to know my name, it was 孙雪莉(Sun Xue Li) and Maeve Sun Lively, those two names everywhere. Well, not everywhere, but my name was starting to spread on posters and commercial ads on buses, you name it.

Sometimes I do wonder if that last day at that garbage garage concert, if it was Bridget up on the stage as captain instead of me, would we still be famous? I know I sound like a jerk saying this, but I feel like if it wasn't for me, we might not be as famous as we are now. Or maybe, if it was Bridget who was captain that day, the producer might not have even been interested to work with us.

So I guess what I'm saying is that, I'm sorry. I really am. I hurt Bridget, and I loved her. I wish I didn't have to hurt her but did I have much of another choice? Well yes, I did, I could've just let her keep the captain spot but then what will that do to me? I'm really sorry to Bridget, and I know apologizing won't ever make up for what I've done to her. But I don't regret doing any of what I had done. Maybe I did regret it those first few moments, maybe I did regret it that morning when she looked at me like that. Maybe I did, but now I don't. Because if I didn't do what I had done, if I didn't take things for myself, who was going to give me what I needed? No one. If I didn't put myself first, who was going to put me first? That's how things worked back then and even now. It'll forever work this way with this world. So all I'm saying is, I'm sorry, but if anyone had given me the ability to go back in time and go through everything all over again, I don't think I would have made much of a different choice.