chemical

41.

"I haven't had the time to clean up so in advance sorry for the mess." My mom said when we stood infront of her apartment.

I didn't put much thought in to that comment because that was something everyone said.

But when she opened the door it became clear to me that she wasn't lying. Her apartment was an a absolute mess compared to the clean hospital i was used to. Their where old newspapers and magazine's every where.

My mom walked trough the living room to a small bedroom. "I'm sorry, i know it's not much."

I shook my head and gave her an hug. "It's absolutely perfect."

"Why did do you keep all these things?" I aksed as i picked up one of the newspapers.

"It's a bit weird to say outloud."

I remained silent to let her know that it was up to her to tell it or not.

"I have so many newspapers and stuff because i wanted to see your face. Every once in a while their would be an ad or something with you on it. But as you can see it kinda got out of hand and i have never found the energy to clean it up."

I hugged her. "You don't have to be embarrassed about such thing."

She have me an thankful smile.

"Would you like some thee?" She asked.

I nodded. "I would love some thee."

I sat down on her couch. The appartement looked dark and a bit scary. She didn't   even have any Christmas decorations even though it was Christmas tomorrow.

"How come you don't have a tree?" I aksed my mom when she handed me a cup of thee.

"I haven't celebrated Christmas in so long that it kinda became a habit. But i do have a fake tree somewhere."

She put her cup down and walked to her room. I heard her move some stuff and curse a few times before she returned with her hands behind her back.

"Tadaa." She said proudly as she put a small plastic tree on the coffee table.

I laughed at it, she was so adorable. "Perhaps some lights to go with it?" I asked.

"You're very demanding aren't you?" She said sarcastic.

I wanted to help her look for lights but i had no engery left in me. Talking to her was already difficult enough.

"I don't know if they still work." My mom put the still half tangled lights on the tree.

"Thay work perfectly fine to me." I said after only a few lights lit up.

She sat down next me. "I'm sorry that i can't give you the perfect Christmas."

"But you already are. All i want is for us to spent these days together. That's the perfect Christmas to me."

She put her arm around me. "You're to good for this world."

"Can i take a shower?" I aksed her after i had finished my thee.

"Of course, I'll show you how it works."

I followed her to the tiny bathroom that thankfully had a easy shower. It worked the same way as the showers in the hospital.

"Towels are in the drawer and I'm in the living room so just yell if you need anything."

I thanked her and locked the door behind her.

My body looked so different than before i got i sick. It had weird spots and bruises all over and many of my bones were visible. But the thing that scared me the most was my hair. For the last weeks I've kept it in a messy bun to prevent it from falling out. But i knew that it was inevitable.

I carefully took the hair tie out and tried to hold the tears back when a huge clump of hair came out with it.

I immediately threw it away and stepped in the shower. I needed to stop thinking about it so much.

After i had finshed showering i completely broke down. I didn't even recognized myself anymore. I was trying to brush my hair but there was almost no more hair left.

My mom knocked on the door. "Everything alright sweetie?"

I didn't answer her. I simply unlocked the door and let her see for herself.

"Oh sweetie." She said sympathetic.

I cried even more when she said that.

She took the brush for my hand and put it down on the sink. "Shall we take care of this?" My mom genlty racked through my hair.

"I don't know if I'm ready."

I was absolutely terrified of being bald. My appearance used to mean so much to me that it was hard to change it so drastically.

"It's for the better. You'll feel free."

She grabbed the a pair of scissors and handed them to me. "You have the honors to start."

I took a deep breath and cut one of the remaining locks of hair of.

"How did that feel?" My mom asked as she took the siscors from me.

"Pretty good." I said truthfully.

She smiled and continued with what i had started.

As i saw my hair hitting the floor i realised that i my life was never going to be the same. I've never truly lived my life and now it was too late to catch up. I wasted all those precious years to useless things like making sure your hairs looks perfect.

It had all been useless and it was gone now. All i had left was myself and the people that i loved. Why did it take me so long to realise this?

Tears fell down my face as i thought about it.

My mom stopped for a second to look at me through to mirror. "Talk to me." She said in a soft tone.

I needed a second to recollect myself before i made eyecontact with her. "I lost everything, i worked so hard to be someone and now it is all gone. Now it's too late."

"You're still beautiful. You're still my little angel. "

I smiled through my tears.

After my mom had completely shaved my head i looked in the mirror. "I look like an depressed egg." I said to her.

She laughed when i said that. "You mean a beautiful depressed egg."

I smiled at her. "Exactly."

Suddenly her phone ran. "Give me a second."

She walked out of the bathroom to answer her phone which layed in the livingroom.

I put my hoodie back on and followed her into the livingroom.

"Who was it?" I aksed her after she had hung up.

"It was Calum, he asked if he can come over and i said yes."

I hesitated for a second, did i really want him to see me like this?

"Honey, he doesn't care about how you look. He just wants to see if you are doing alright." My mom said when i didn't reply instantly.

"You're right, he can come over."