chemical

45.

A few days later

Mabel

I've been a wreck these last days. I haven't left the apartment once since she died. It was like there was this huge hole in my life again. I also haven't spoken to Calum in a while. We both needed our space to process everything. I think that we both felt guilty for her death. It feels like we could've done something to prevent this.

I was the first to speak at the funeral. Which was really scary to me. Many people here knew my background and had strong opinions about it.

"First of all, i want to thank you all for coming today."

I glanced at Calum for a second for some support. He gave me a nod which was good enough for me to start talking.

"Kate had left me a letter the night she died. In that letter she had written that she was selfish for wanting to die alone. In her last words she apologized. But i can tell you this, Kate was never a selfish person. She was always there for people when they needed her."

I paused for a second to recollect myslef.

"Unfortunately people weren't always there for her. I was one of them. My biggest mistake is life was letting her miss me when that wasn't necessary. Kate never lost hope in me because that was the type of person she was. She was a wonderful, clever and beautiful young girl who fought for the people she loved."

Every one clapped when i was done. However i wondered if it was genuine. A lot of these people didn't even know who Kate really  was.

I whiped my tears away as the next person came forward to say something. I glanced over to Calum who was sitting next to Ashton. I kinda resented him for having people that are there to support him. But then again it was my fault that i was all alone right now.

After the ceremony had finished i went to spent some time with Kate. Nobody cared enough to stay longer except me. Or that was what i thought. Calum sat down next to me on the grass but didn't say anything.

"I regret not being there for her." I whispered to Calum.

"You were there to make her last moments the best ones. That's what's important." He said to me.

"I know she was going to die that day."

He looked confused at me for a second.

"Call it a mother's gift to see the true feelings of your child. She was fighting a battle that she knewn that she was losing. She only wanted the create more time to make her final memories good ones."

"It pains me to know that even in her last moments she was thinking of us and not herself. She didn't need lie like that."

"She knew that."

There fell an silence after i said that. It was hard to talk about her.

I suddenly remembered something and a smile appearedin my face. "When she was little she used to draw a smile on my face with my lipstick. She always wanted me to be happy."

J relaxed my face as i slowly felt the happiness fade. "She only did that because she wasn't happy herself. I made her childhood miserable by losing myself to some stupid drug."

He rubbed his hand over my arm. "She never saw those moments as her worst ones. She loved the time she got to spent with you. "

I smiled at him. "She was lucky to have you in her life. You've helped her to discover herself again."

We both fell silent as we looked at the grave infront of us. I think that we both realized that this may be our last time that we would see each other. We couldn't be lovers, we never even were.

The only thing that had kept us together was the love we shared for Kate. Now all that was left was the grief we felt for her. And that is something that can't be shared. It's something you feel alone.

To be alone again didn't sound like an awful plan. I needed to be alone otherwise i might lose myself again. I truly wondered if he was thinking the same thing. Was it wrong of me to think we would go out separate ways? It would be a question left unanswered. There was no point in aksing, it would only create akwardness.

I closed my eyes and let his sent carve his way in my memory. Lovers or not i would never forget him and the memories we had made.

"I feels like a dream." I whispered to him.

"More like a nightmare." He whispered back.

I opend my eyes to look at him. "Death doesn't always mean it's bad or scary. Sometimes it can mean happiness."

"You're leaving aren't you?" He asked. Calum was able to read me like a book. It was somthing that scared me at first. But i wasn't sacard anymore, i had survived everything that i thought would destroy me.

"Yes i am."

"To where?"

"To where life leads me." There was nothing that kept me here anymore. I was free after all those years.

Calum stood up after i had said that. Perhaps he was cross with me, mabye leaving everything behind was the move of a coward.

But he didn't seem angry at all. He smiled as he offered m his hand.

"Will i ever see you again?" He asked once he had helped me up

I shook my head. "No, i don't think you will."

He pulled me into a hug. "I loved you, please don't forget that. Be safe and don't lose yourself." He whispered in my ear.

"I will never stop loving you Calum." I whispered back.

We held each other until we felt that it was time to part ways. Neither one of us felt that the wrong choice had been made. We loved each other dearly but we simply weren't meant to be together.

Calum was the first to leave the graveyard. He didn't look back as walked to his car.

"Don't worry Kate he'll come back for you. Mabye some day i will do the same. I will learn to move on but please forgive me for not being able to forget you. You'll always have a special place in my heart that can't be forgotten."

I grabbed her letter for my pocket together with my lighter.

It didn't take long for the until the paper was swallowed by the flames. It wasn't the ending i wanted her to have but it was the one she had chosen. "You can rest now Kate. I did what you asked me to do." I whispered.

I turned around to walk back to my car. I felt her presence fade away with every step i took. I was alone again.

"I'll think about you until the memory fades away." I whispered before i drove away.

                           The end