C H A P T E R 38

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[38]

A L A S K A

It was silent and dark

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It was silent and dark. Everything around me was black and it seemed like I was stuck in a hole. A hole full of darkness. Maybe even an abyss. It was something I couldn't escape from because no matter where I looked it was all the same. The same black everywhere. No bit of light lightening up the darkness.

Nothing.

Just nothing.

Thoughts went through my head as the silence around me bored and even intimidated me. It was so quiet that I didn't even know whether I was deaf or not. It just felt like my ears weren't functioning right.

My father was the only thing I could think about.

His pained expression when he held my hand, the pure anxiety in his eyes made me feel guilty. Guilty that I didn't let him know that he shouldn't blame himself anymore. He should just let the past be the past or otherwise he will drown in his own sorrow.

I will never forget the past but they should. My brothers should live their lifes wihout me. They should try to find their own happiness. A happiness without me.

And Max.

He should forget me too. He should live his life with all that he's got. He should enjoy it to the fullest. But how can he wihout Leo and me? I wish he could. I don't want to see him in pain because of me. I don't want him to throw away his life just because I can't be in it.

And Leo.

I hope he wakes up. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to enjoy his life as well. He's such a good guy when he isn't being a jerk. He had such a fragile and soft heart. One wrong move and it would break apart. I hope he will someday find this one person who knows exactly how to treat him right.

And my brothers.

Even though I don't even really know half of them and even though they made my life hell, they do deserve happiness. I mean they were all just scared little kids back then as well, whose mother was 'fighting' for her life. Yeah, I do blame them and I do hate them for what they did. But deep down I still love them. I still crave for their affection and love. But if I could tell them one more thing than it'd be that they should never treat a woman or a human being in general this badly, no matter now much they despise them.

And...Xavier.

He should find someone who's good for him. Someone who stays with him and makes him happy the way that I never could. The way that I wanted to but was always stopped by the drama that was going on in my life. He went trough so much with me yet he always stayed by my side. And he made me feel things no other ever could and for that I'm truly thankful.

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