his sapphire • anthony bridgerton

twenty • the pain i feel

•••
"with the future of the world inside of me."
•••

Grosvenor Square, 1813

Sitting across from Anthony at dinner had been the highlight of the Viscountess since she married the man a mere three months ago.

Knowing the season was soon coming to an end, Nola reflected peacefully about all the events that have led up to the current. Daphne has yet to be married. Of course men had requested her hand. Many men. Yet, none seemed to be good enough.

Evaluating the situation, Nola recognized that the relationship between her cousin and the eldest Bridgerton girl needed to be mended. Simon's selfishness had possibly lost himself the girls hand, in Anthony's mind, but Nola knew better. The Prince's future question would not halt Daphne's addiction, which is why Nola fully planned on hearing her rejection.

Across the table, Anthony's eyes peered on the girls figure. A look of pure curiosity on his face. "What is it, Anthony?" Nola questioned, playing with the different foods on her plate. "Is there something wrong?"

A smile replaced his previous pout, "nothing at all." Nola nodded, puzzled. "Are you going to eat?"

"I do not feel the need, my Lord." She sighed, leaning back in her chair. "If I am to eat, I know I will get sick."

His eyes widened, leaning into the table. "Are you sick?"

"No-" she began, not knowing how to phrase it. Simply responding with, "not at all."

Anthony was clearly confused, but how was she to discuss something that she was not even sure of. "Are you accompanying me tonight? The season is to end soon, and it will be the last party I am required to attend. That is, till Eloise is eligible."

"I simply do not feel up for it, Anthony." He slowly nodded, clearly not understanding. "I simply do not feel prepared to embark."

Anthony felt it useless to argue. He always seemed to lose.

"You may still attend, Anthony. It is your duty," she reminded, placing the silver ware on the plate. "I just simply do not feel up to it..."

"Are you sure you are okay?" He asked, once again. Looking for any sign of discomfort in her face, he found nothing. She was as blank as a wall. "If need be, I will stay h-"

"Anthony, I am fine."

He dropped the question, knowing she will not give him the answer that would ease his mind. She was too stubborn. He simply went off to prepare to escort Daphne to the party, and prayed their would be a proposal for his sister tonight.

•••

Nola stared at herself in the mirror, her figure somewhat displeasing her. She had put on weight, and she usually wouldn't care, but her corsets grew tighter and tighter... Marie could barely even apply them. It made her wary of her appearance. She felt... different.

Her skin had grown paler, which was abnormal, considering her beautiful olive complexion. She had lost all means to eat, settling with a biscuit every morning. On top of that, she lost the ability to smile. How could she when it seemed she was losing her child-like glow.

She was growing up.

Was this what was to happen when she reached womanhood? Losing what she thought was her appeal?

The mere thought brought tears to her eyes, she hated the thought. She never doubted that Anthony adored her image, and she simply did not care what he had to say on the matter. She knew she pleased him, but she did not please herself.

How was she gaining weight when she had not been eating?

She felt she was losing every grasp of herself. With her hair growing thinner, and her social battery beginning to fail, she swore she never wanted to leave her bedroom ever again.

She hated how Anthony was becoming aware of her lack of serotonin. For her husband already was stressed enough with keeping up on his duties as Viscount. She tried to keep him out of her problems as much as possible, even though he pressed that her problems were his problems, being utterly afraid that she would isolate herself from him like she did those two quiet days during their engagement.

Growing frustrated from stating all of her insecurities, she began yanking on the fabric of her dress. She eagerly wished to be freed from all the confining materials, even risking ripping the buttons off. Anything to set her loose.

Her corset was the hardest. Roughly grabbing random edges and just pulling till it pulled away from her body. She let out a scream as tears began to fall down her cheeks, catching the attention of her lady's maid, who she begged to leave her, and at this moment she could not. "Miss?" She asked, frightened at the disheveled appearance of the Viscountess. "Do you wish for me to alert anyone?"

Nola simply couldn't speak. She collapsed to her knees, crying into her hands. The shaking caused an intense attack. She couldn't process one thought, let alone respond to Marie. Blood rest on her fingers, most likely from all the scraping, and Nola feared blood immensely. She couldn't look at it. Marie took quick notice, rushing to fetch a bucket of water to soak Nola's hands. Blood sinking into her nail beds.

Marie was terrified of her lady's outcry's. With each intense noise, she felt chills in her core.

It lasted for about two more hours. She tried to quiet herself while Anthony walked through the door. A permanent frown etched itself on his face. He appeared disheveled, and incredibly angry. Nola could not meet his gaze. Her face still fresh of tears, but he paid no matter. His attention purely on ripping his clothes off his body.

He got into bed without saying a word. Not even noticing the cloth wrapped around Nola's hands. The cuts being deeper than she imagined, Marie had to get them stitched, which caused a great deal of pain.

The lack of comfort from her husband only forced a new wave of fresh tears. She hated the silence he provided, till finally, her world went dark, and she laid her head down.