nothing fucking good.

Chapter 4

(Authors note: this one definitely needs a trigger warning for pushing himself too much. Especially with his whole mental state being very.... let's just say he's not feeling the best...)

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On that fine Thursday afternoon, katsuki decided to spend his afternoon working his way to be his best self.

Or something like that...

Although it sounds really motivating and inspiring, all it really was, was pushing himself to the point of breaking.

He decided to clean his room first, but during the lengthy hour and a half process, his knees shook under his weight, and his arms felt as if they couldn't stay up or else they would collapse on their own.

All in all, really fucking weak.

But he didn't blame it on his sleeping habits or the fact he was running on half of lunch.

He blamed it on himself.

Kinda the same thing, but more self depreciating.

That only made him push himself harder, and I'm not saying it's a bad thing to test your limits, but he was being way too reckless with his body.

His stomach ached and he brushed it off as weak.

His limbs ached and he brushed it off as weak.

He felt so emotional but brushed it off as weak.

Anything that wasn't amazing, was weak. Especially when it came to himself.

So when he worked his abused body past his limits and felt like nothing had changed for the better, he shouldn't have been surprised.

That wasn't going to cure all of his problems.

It would only breed an addiction to self harm, and the way he felt it was more exceptional, to be bad but punished, than not punished at all.

His mother walked in on him dripping in sweat with his arms holding him up by his squeaky clean desk.

She was so used to him being extra about cleaning, but in the last few months when he had stopped caring, she kinda had to get used to it, so seeing her son finally trying to take care of himself and his living space felt a tad bit comforting.

She smiled without her teeth, and spoke happily,
"Dinners ready katsuki, I even made some homemade bread with it!"

But obviously, nothing good ever lasted...

He turned his head to face her, and with a quiet voice said,
"I'm really tired, I think I'll pass."

Her jolly smile faded into a frown, as she responded,
"I'll save you some bread for tomorrow, then. Are you sure, though?"

The hope in her voice almost physically hurt him, but when he rejected her for the second time, her sad 'ok' definitely hurt him physically.

After she left, bakugou climbed into his bed at the early time of 5 pm and prayed to the gods above not to have a nightmare and for him to sleep well.

But still, after his last hours of the day were productive, he felt as if it was useless and it didn't matter.

He brushed off the way he felt for the hundredth time, and let his mind rest.

A good deep sleep was what he needed, he convinced himself.

But in reality, there was so many things he needed that were way out of reach...

(542 words)