nothing fucking good.

chapter 14

(Authors note: hi. Just wanted to let you all know, after i finish this story, i will only be writing my stories on ao3. If you are even bothered about any future stories i have planned, my username on ao3 is Animeobsession. This chapter is more focuses on the way his eating disorder changes the way he perceives others intentions and makes him more toxic in his argument with Kiri. I would've gone into detail when i wrote it, but i couldn't be arsed to. Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts, eating disorders and arguments between parents and friends (more like crushes))

That particular afternoon, he had been in an argument with Kirishima.

Trying to convince that passionate man that he shouldn't be worrying was quite difficult, so instead, he started to shout at kiri over the phone, accusing him of looking down on him.

He had heard sniffles and Kiri had shouted back at him, and although it felt wrong to do that to the person he loved, the eating disorder monster on his shoulder convinced him that the boy had wanted to get him fat, and he couldn't handle that.

In all honesty, he had been eating more recently, even bingeing on sweets, and he hated the feeling of guilt that would eat up his stomach each time he did it.

At one point, he tried to throw up after a bad binge, but after 3 failed attempts, he removed his pointer and middle finger from the back of his throat and gave up, tears lazily falling from his eyes.

The monster would grow bigger each time, telling him to starve, and that he didn't deserve food. A big part of him couldn't handle the stress and the weakness he felt and would use multiple unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with everything:

Starving/bingeing, Self harm, Daydreaming and becoming way too attached to doing it, Under sleeping/sleeping so much, to the point of headaches and being tired constantly (even though when he did sleep a  lot, it was to rid himself of fatigue), Not acknowledging his feelings and issues and building up pent up emotions for weeks/months on end.

You name it, he did it. At that point, he couldn't muster the strength to care about what he was doing to himself, as long as no one found out, and he could become the number 1 hero. If he didn't become the number 1 hero, it was simple, he was going to end his life. He didn't even know if he could hold on until the day he became a pro.

Thinking in depth about his plans for the future stressed him out a bit, for obvious reasons, so he decided to go downstairs and spend time with his family. He was going to have to kill himself eventually. There was no way a weak, fat, cocky boy like him was going to become the number 1 hero anyways, so why not go downstairs and try to get along with his family for his last remaining years? Probably months to be honest...

Grabbing his laptop and a pair of headphones, he decided he was going to watch anime and relax for the afternoon.

When he reached the living room, his father was sitting on the couch in his work suite and his mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen. Seeing her son from the kitchen she shouted, "Nice for you to greet us, brat!"

His parents had recently been given permission to go back to work, and they were doing extra hours and an extra day every week to get more money, considering they needed the money.

Being 7pm, he didn't feel like shouting in case he annoyed any neighbours that might be trying to relax (he didn't want to be even more of a nuisance) "Yeah hag..."

Sitting on a couch, he watched a random Netflix original 'Cagester of an insect cage'. Being a Netflix original, it was shit, but he tried to pay attention to it, meaning that when he was given his food, he was paying more attention to the show, than his food, whilst his parents watched the news, waiting for the Prime minister to make an announcement on covid for the millionth time since covid began.

Unbeknownst to him, the announcement had been over for a while, and his parents were staring at him, whilst he stared at his laptop, messing with his food like a child. His father stared with worry, and his mother with her more aggressive form of concern.

"Hey, Katsuki?" His father interrupted.

Lifting his head up the disruption, he took his headphones off, paused the episode, and replied a short, "Mmm?"

"Why won't you eat?..." Masaru queried; concern laced in his features.

To be honest, Katsuki was slightly surprised. His parents have never been good with talking about touchy subjects, and he honestly believed that his parents would avoid the subject of his weird mannerisms forever. Well, he was hoping they would, even though it would be kind of cowardly.

Trying to act annoyed after his initial state of shock, he answered, "I'm eating now, look."

He then shovelled a big forkful of shepherd's pie into his mouth, chewed it then swallowed it.

Masaru looked down to his hands and sighed, honestly being over the difficulty of the situation.

However, Mitsuki stood up from her seat, anger radiating off her in big powerful waves as she strode over to where Katsuki sat, looming over him, being intimidating, "Don't you switch up so fast, brat! You answer your dad now!"

Her voice sounded shrill as the sound particles flooded the house and bounced off the walls, and probably travelling as far as down their entire street.

Actual anger hidden away, he screeched, "I'm eating the goddamn food, so shut the fuck up you idiots!"

"BUT YOU WEREN'T! DON'T ACT LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN EATING NORMAL AND WE'RE JUST BRINGING THIS OUT OF OUR ASSES AS YOUR PARENTS!"

Convinced that all his parents wanted to do was make him fat, so everyone thought he was ugly, he yelled, "SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!"

He then stood up, face to face with his raging mother, anger of his own emerging from within him and pouring onto the situation like a flood.

Practically growling, Mitsuki grabbed Katsuki's ear, and contemplated kicking her son out, to live on the streets, so that he could appreciate food, especially if he had none, but holding onto the strength he had been building, he yanked himself out of his mother's hold, getting into a sparring position, literally preparing for a fight.

Being forceful, which was rare for the man, Masaru stood in the way and blocked the two people from getting at each other, and tearing the house down in the process.

"Both of you stop right now!" His dad shouted.

What a load of bullshit, he thought whilst grabbing his headphones and laptop, sulking off to his room.

Sitting on his bed, he knew that he wanted to be real with the people in his life, but he knew that he couldn't be. He didn't want to cause any drama or worry anyone. If anyone would even care...

Maybe it would've been better if he had died in the sludge attack. Or usj. Or kamino. Maybe he could find a way to seem like he died on accident the next time he gets attacked by a villain, because he knew for a fact that villains were still going to be after them. Maybe he could pay a villain to kill him. Like a hitman? It could be believable? Just as long as his parents and classmates never found out.

Realising what he was thinking, he snapped out of it and tried not to entertain the thought. He would become number 1, and that was that... But maybe he could still seem like a hero if he died in an honourable way like that? At least to the important people.

Feeling drained, he ushered himself under his many blankets and hugged his pillows as he tried to sleep the thoughts away.