nothing fucking good.

chapter 10

(Authors note: Trigger warning for panic attacks and small mentions of his eating disorder. Also, parent showing emotional vulnerability? *insert throwing up emoji* jk jk! Enjoy!)

It had been almost 2 months since the shopping trip. Ever since those two months, Mitsuki had noticed a REAL change in Katsuki's behaviour.

He engaged in arguments with her more, like how it used to be, and went back to what he usually acted like. But under it all, being his mother, she knew something was still off.

It was the middle of July, 5 months after lockdown began, and it was in the midst of a break from Katsuki's online school. If he had really gotten out of the state he was previously in, he would've gone a little easier on himself and would've slightly enjoyed the 6 weeks off.

...But, even though in the previous summer holidays he's had, he went hard on himself with homework and staying in shape, he would also use the weeks off to spend quality time with friends and family. Even though he couldn't go out with friends for obvious reasons, he could still talk to family members during covid.

It didn't mean that he was trying to avoid communication with his family, but Mitsuki could sense that he was never in the mood for a conversation, and never had the same fire in his eyes when they had an argument. She also recognised the excuses he would make for eating, and it would worry her to no end, but she felt as if she couldn't do anything about it. It was almost as if Katsuki had taken all of the concern he had been shown, and trying to prove it wrong. For example, recently, when she had commented on his eye bags, she noticed her concealer went missing (not that she needed it with her beautiful skin) and that his eye bags weren't so visible anymore, and when she had mentioned Katsuki's weight loss, he seemed ecstatic.

None of it made any sense, and in her position, watching the news next to her loving husband, she started to tear up. She hated not having control in situations (not unlike her son) and felt that the reins she liked to be holding, had somehow slipped out of her hands. How was she supposed to deal with this? Her own mother had always said how children are hard to deal with, and sure, temper tantrums and strops in the middle of the shops are tough enough, but what is she supposed to do when her teenager is clearly suffering? She KNOWS Katsuki, and knew, that if he didn't want to do something, he wouldn't, and that includes opening up.

Trying to hide her watering eyes and frustrated facial expression, she slightly hunched into herself. Being the amazing husband he was, Masaru noticed the change in his wife's posture and immediately went to touch her shoulder to seem slightly reassuring. At the comforting contact, she made an audible choked sob. Eyebrows raising in worry, her husband immediately tried to ask what was wrong.

Roughly pressing the palms of her hands into her eyes, she cried out, "It's Katsuki!"

Shocked silent, Masaru attentively waited for Mitsuki to continue her line of thought after a few more muffled sobs left her mouth.

"I'm so worried! What am I supposed to do? I'm his mother for god's sake! I can just tell he isn't ok! But what am I supposed to say, 'Hey, I'm your mother that has noticed these things for most of lockdown but hasn't said SHIT about it, because I'm such a bad mum!',"

She sounded slightly screechy and panicky, so in true comforting fashion, Masaru threw both arms over his wife's form and took her into a loving hug. Although he didn't speak much, he wanted his wife to know that he understood, and he cared. Regarding his son, he knew that something had been off. He has secretly hoped for Mitsuki to say something, being too scared to bring it up, he had even heard his son crying and sobbing into a pillow the night he fell ill. He could only imagine what could've been going through his son's head. Unfortunately, he was used to his wife and son silently suffering (it was 1 out of a million of things they shared in common) and he knew that both he and his wife were too emotionally absent to just rush head first into the situation of their son's mental health. It was one of the many toxic traits of the family, really, it was a rare occasion that Mitsuki would allow herself to cry, believing herself to be weak when she did. But he knew, better than his wife and son did, that the way they tried to avoid any emotion other than anger, or normality, was very unhealthy, and it was ripping them apart every day.

Unbeknownst to the couple, Katsuki had been coming down the stairs when he heard his mother weeping. Stopping in his tracks, he just listened, "It's Katsuki! I'm so......"

His senses zoned out from that point, not hearing or noticing anything else, he didn't even notice as he walked back to his room and sat on his bed, mouth slightly ajar, shocked. His mother had been showing an emotion other than anger? Sadness? Because of... him. He felt a weight settle on his shoulders as a massive wave of guilt crashed over him, drowning him in a feeling he could never seem to escape. He despised it. So much. And the way he wanted to kill everything. It seemed he needed to defend himself from everything, or else it would creep behind him unexpected, and stab him in the neck.

He felt his breathing pick up as guilt feasted on the insides of his gut. In the distraught state, he stood and started to pace his room, rubbing his callused hands along his arms. The fingers that were gliding along his forearms, as his breathing became more and more ragged, turned into nails, that soon collected skin and took his mind off the feeling of blame he placed on his shoulders, that weighed him down each day. He ran out of his room and into the bathroom in a panicked state, knowing what to do. Not wanting to destruct the healing his thighs were doing; he entered the shower and stood naked under freezing water. It worked in the most part, but he felt the want to die more than ever, especially after allowing himself to act so embarrassing and weak. He couldn't understand how someone could be such a disappointment. He really hated himself.