nothing fucking good.

chapter 9

(Authors note: had to spice it up. Trigger warning for self harm, eating disorders, flash backs and annoying ass Deku. JUST READ IT.) 

Ever since the whole Deku thing happened, he realised he must be making some sort of mistake. He had already had two people question his welfare, and to be honest, he didn't want the deal with that. He really fucking hates it when people look down on him.

To compensate for that, during class, if he felt himself drifting off, he would dig his fingers into his thighs to try to bring himself down to earth. Instead of trying to abolish his intrusive thoughts, he welcomed them with open arms, to use them as punishments against himself. In a hope that it would help lose weight, he restricted his diet to one meal a day (variating in portions based on how he feels that day). In desperate attempts to gain muscle mass, he would push himself past limits, to the point where he was never free of aching muscles, it wasn't healthy at all. Repetitively, he would push things onto himself that were completely unnecessary (and probably not good for him due to his mental state) like forcing an extra couple hours of studying, when all he wanted to do was pass out and never wake up again. In his mind, this was self-discipline, but in reality, it was nothing but damaging to him.

People like Deku, Kirishima and his mother were all trying to ask about his well-being still, so even getting back into his work out frensies and focusing in class more wasn't enough? He, once again, had to switch a few more things up.

He tried to start more arguments, like how he usually was, and tried to be louder and more easily agitated during class.

It took a good 4 weeks, but he got the nerd and people alike to stop pestering him about shit they had no business in. They were slowly, but surely getting used to Bakugou being 'himself' again. But something still bugged Deku about the way Kachan's eye-bags were so prominent, and the way his face looked slightly thinner with each passing week. But Izuku tried not to worry himself too much.

Although Bakugou hated to admit it, sometimes he felt like he was going insane with the need to tell someone about everything. He was a very honest person, and something felt so wrong about not being truthful in the moments when he lies to people asking if he is ok. Well, he didn't lie when he said it wasn't anyone's business, and they don't need to know, but in this case, when he tries to keep the same mindset, he just feels so isolated and alone.

So, desperate for those feelings to leave, he reverted back to his middle school ways...

By that, he means that he relapsed with self-harm. He could remember the string of events that occurred during middle school, so well, that every time he pressed a sweaty palm against his thigh, or cracked open an 'innocent' sharpener, he had small flash backs of what happened.

(flash back timeeeeee)

A couple months before the UA entrance exam, Bakugou could really feel the weight of everything that was going to go down. He was going to have to prove himself to top notch heroes, and teachers that have taught generations of heroes. It wasn't going to be easy, but he knew he could do it. Despite being so big headed about it, he couldn't help but feel a sense of doubt linger, and that, once small pinch of doubt, turned into a big whirlpool of negative feelings about it. He hated feeling that way, not just because it felt bad, but it made him feel weak. So in a desperate attempt to relive some sort of stress and anxiety, he skimmed google for days and weeks, trying to find a solution.

He tried all of the following:

More exercise.

Bathing.

Scented candles.

Reading.

Drawing.

Fucking everything, until he came by a questionable page promoting self-harm. Only being in middle school, he knew what it was, but didn't at the same time. Desperate to rid himself of feeling the way he did, he tried it, just a simple scratch during class if he got an answer wrong. And sometimes pinching his arms when he felt kind of stressed. The sharp pangs of pain took his attention off every emotion he wasn't able to comprehend, and made his mind zone in on the pain. It was peaceful. Until, it became an addiction, and he was too used to small scratching and pinching. He started to delve further, and use his quirk to burn his skin and steal sharpeners from school to use for proper cutting.