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Thirty Five

continuation of January, 1997

The first week of January was coming to an end and I knew I had to go home sometime. Well, not home home. I'm at home. Detroit's my home. But I need to go back to New York. If not for Devon, I at least need to go back for school, especially considering the fact that my semester starts this coming Monday and I have yet to get any of my textbooks, or even look at my class schedule. 

It was Friday today, and I had booked my flight for tomorrow the day after I slept over at Marshall's. It made me sad booking the flight, but I knew I couldn't remain in this fantasy world with him forever. As much as I wanted to say fuck all of New York and just stay here forever, we both had our own lives to tend too. 

I had been staying at Marshall's every day since that first night though, but secretly of course. I told my mom I was staying at Sharonda's, and I didn't tell Devon anything. In all honesty, I was still super angry with him and how he had acted that first time I spoke to him. I had spoken to him a few times since then, but I always just tried to keep the conversations short. I just couldn't be bothered with his attitude right now, when I was trying to focus all my attention on Marshall and making sure I was here to support him. I'm sure i'll get an earful about it when I finally get back to New York and he comes to pick me up from the airport. But that's for future Ti to worry about. 

The last few days have been really really great though. We've had so many long talks about our feelings, where we stand with one another, and just trying to come to a deeper and more meaningful understanding of where one another is coming from. One conversation we haven't had though is what we're going to do about Devon and Kim. I think we've both been actively avoiding that conversation for obvious reasons, but i've pretty much already decided in my head that I need to break up with him. Not even for Marshall, because I do know for a fact that I still can't be with him due to Kim, distance, as well as i'm still trying to navigate my own personal feelings for him. But I need to break up with him because I just don't think Devon's healthy for me anymore. I'm not sure if he ever was, but he certainly isn't anymore. 

I think what I really need, is to just be alone for a bit. I need to be alone for me so I can rediscover who I am and what I lost being in a relationship with Devon, and I also need to be alone so I can explore me and Marshall more in depth, and not feel guilty about cheating on Devon. As much as i'm angry with Devon right now, I know he doesn't deserve to be cheated on. I don't think he's a bad person, I think I just have too much baggage to be able to be what he needs from me right now. Which is unfortunate, but it's the truth. I never really processed everything with Marshall before getting into a relationship with Devon, and he's receiving the brunt end of that currently, which isn't fair to him, me, or Marshall. 

Me and Marshall had just gotten back to his place from DeShaun's where I was saying goodbye to everybody, and we were now just laying down on his couch. We had yet to tell anyone anything about us, or that I had been staying here, but i'm almost positive they all suspected something was going on, they just never commented on it. The only thing that was ever said was the fact that neither him or me went to Rufus' that night as we were supposed to, but we both just made up some bullshit lies. I'm sure no one bought them, but they accepted them anyway. 

I had my back propped up against the arm rest of the couch, while Marshall was laying in between my legs with his head on my stomach, and his arms wrapped tightly around my torso. I was running my fingers through his hair while MTV played on the TV. "Marshall." I whispered. 

"Hm?" He said back in a sleepy sounding voice. 

"Are you awake?" I whispered again.