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Thirty Six

continuation of January, 1997

Positive, the test read with the two extremely distinct blue lines. Why the fuck are the lines so distinct?! Does it mean i'm extra extra pregnant?! How am I even pregnant?! How is this possible?! How pregnant am I?! I guess I have been feeling sorta unwell for awhile... Oh my god, is it- is it Marsh- no, it couldn't be. Not this soon. But then that means it would have to be... no no no no no no. Fuck Ti! NO! It can't be fucking Devon's! Oh my god Marshall's gonna be so angry. I just found a place! All to myself! It was supposed to just be me! Finally! Fuck fuck fuck, oh my god, holy shit. How the fuck could you let this happen Tiyana?! Not now, why the fuck does it have to be now?! I was just about to get my fucking life together.

"I was so close." I mumbled weakly as a few tears began to slowly drip down my face. I clutched the test in my shaky hands and melted down the wall that was in front of the toilet. My head curled inwards and I brought my knees up to my chest as my eyes closed and more tears flowed out of me. I dropped the test beside me on the floor and pushed the palms of my hands into my eye sockets as hard as I could until I began to see stars. "God you fucking idiot. You're so fucking stupid." I rasped to myself once more. How the fuck didn't I know?! You're about to be a mother and you didn't even know you were pregnant? Off to a real great start, Tiyana. Marshall just told you how proud of you he was not even two hours ago, and look at how quickly you fucked that one up. You can't tell him. You know you can't tell him. But I can't ice him out again either! That'll break him! This might break him more though. You could just leave, Tiyana. You don't have to tell anyone anything. Not Marshall, not Devon, not anyone. Just leave. Drop out of school. You're probably gonna have to drop out anyway. Who the fuck can dance while nine months pregnant?!

"Fuck." My voice sounded strained and I quickly wiped the excess tears from my face with my fingers. I need to call Sharonda. I picked up the test and placed it down on the bathroom counter as I stood up. I averted my eyes away from the mirror and took a deep breath. I just really can't look at myself right now. Once I left the bathroom, I found the cordless phone and began pacing back and forth around the living room as I anxiously waited for her to answer.

"Hello?" A familiar deep voice answered. Fuck!

"DeShaun! Hey!" I mustered up as much fake happiness as I could. "It's me."

"Yo! Perfect timing, everyones just about to come over, you wanna wait for a sec so you can talk to them?"

"Uh, no I can't, i'm actually kinda... late to something. Uhm, is Sharonda around though? I just need to talk to her quickly."

"Yeah yeah, she's here. One sec." I heard him start to yell for Sharonda and a few moments later the exact voice I needed to hear right now came through my phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey! It's me!" I said slightly panicked.

"What's goin' on? You alright?" She clearly was immediately able to pick up on the panic lingering throughout my voice.

"Uh yeah, yeah. Listen can you get away from DeShaun for a second?"

"Uhmm, yeah. Hold on." She said slightly suspicious and we both went quiet for a moment. "K we're good. What's up?"

"I-..." My voice was quiet and I sighed lightly. "I- I'm pregnant." I said just as quietly.

"What?!" Her tone changed to shocked and surprised. "Oh- oh my god Ti."

"I just took a test and I don't know what to do Shar! I'm freaking out, I'm debating just leaving, I can't be a mom! I'm not ready! I don't want a kid with Devon!"