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Eighteen

May, 1992

It was my 22nd birthday today, and in all honesty, I had zero care to celebrate it. In past years, I always booked the day off work, but I didn't do that this year. I genuinely didn't want to celebrate my birthday. I just wanted to go to work and forget about it. Marshall was confused as to why I didn't book it off, but I don't know how he could be confused? Why would I wanna celebrate it? My life was falling apart, our relationship was falling apart. I had nothing to celebrate, so I didn't want to. 

This morning when he got up to go to work, he gave me a kiss on the cheek while I was still sleeping and then left. That's it. That's all he did. No 'happy birthday baby', no 'I love you', nothing. Granted, we did get into a pretty bad fight last night because while he was at work I decided to do his laundry for him. I was just trying to be nice and thought it might help alleviate some of his stress, but I accidentally shrunk a few pairs of his jeans which sent him into a full blown rage. I swear, living with him nowadays is just like walking on egg shells. I don't mean to upset him, but I always do somehow. 

He's been leaving the house a lot too recently, I don't know what he's been doing, and part of me wonders if maybe he's cheating on me? Logically I really don't think Marshall would do that to me, but I have no idea what the fuck he does when he's out of the house for hours on end. Maybe he just needs to get away from me, who knows?

I do a lot of crying when he's gone. I just don't know where we went wrong, or where I went wrong. We used to be so happy, it was like nothing could ever break us. It felt like we were always going to be so madly in love, and I was still in love with him, but something did break us. Now I wonder if he even still loves me, let alone is in love with me. He still tells me he loves me, but it's just not as often, and I don't hear that same emotion behind his voice when he says it. It feels forced. We feel forced. But I can't let go. I'm not ready to let go. I'm still holding on to that first year and a half with such a tight grip, and I refuse to let that go. We can get back to that, I know we can. As long as we still have love for each other, we can get back to normal. 

I got off work tonight at six, and then I was supposed to go to my moms for a birthday dinner. Marshall had gotten off work at three, and was going to meet me there, and then DeShaun, Sharonda, and Pepper were all to come at seven. I pulled up to my moms at around 6:15pm and then made my way inside. 

"Helloo?" I yelled out trying my best to sound happy and excited to celebrate my birthday. 

"In the bathroom!" My mom yelled back. I quickly took off my shoes and started wandering around the house looking for Marshall. He's supposed to be here by now. 

"Marshall?" I yelled out after I passed through the kitchen and then entered the living room. Nothing. What the fuck Marshall? 

"Happy birthday!" My mom yelled as she came down the hallway with a big smile on her face. 

"Thanks ma." I returned her smile and she engulfed me into a hug. "Where's Marshall? He's supposed to be here." I asked as she released me. 

"Oh, he called and said he was gonna be a little bit late." 

"Why?!" I spat annoyed, clearly catching my mom off guard. 

"I don't know Ti, he didn't say." She said confused. 

I rolled my eyes. "Of course he fuckin' didn't." I mumbled under my breath. 

"Hey! Don't be usin' that language around me." My mom scolded me. I sighed dramatically and shook my head as I went to go plop myself down on the couch. "No no no, get up. I need help in the kitchen." She said just as I sat down. I huffed out a frustrated breath and stood up. "What's with the attitude?" She asked as I followed her into the kitchen.