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Forty

continuation of December, 1998

It had been a little over a week since I found that pair of underwear in my drawer and I still hadn't told anybody. I hadn't told Sharonda, my mom, nor had I confronted Devon about it yet. I sort of just wanted to sit on it until I could figure out what I was gonna do about it, and I also wanted to wait until I heard from Marshall, which I still had yet to. I didn't leave him any other voicemails except the first one, and I hadn't tried to call him since. I didn't know if he'd ever return my call, but I figured I'd give him another few days to call me back and if he didn't by then, then it would be time to tell Sharonda at the very least. 

I don't know why I wanted Marshall to be the first to know, but I felt like he should be. I just wanted him to comfort me, I suppose. He was always my comfort whenever I needed him, just like I was for him... but I knew full well how angry he still was with me. Maybe that's why he hasn't called me back? Or maybe he's just been really busy with his album? Whatever it is, I just hope to god he does though. He knows how much I need him when I'm going through something, I guess the real question is does he still give enough of a shit about me? Maybe not. Maybe I've blown any last chance when I got engaged. Who knows? 

Since I was still trying to figure out what to do and how to go about this whole situation, I was still trying to play nice with Devon. I didn't want him to know that I knew yet, because if he did I know all he would try to do is just lie to me, tell me he didn't know where those underwear came from, or gaslight me and tell me they're mine, and I know every single one of those things is bullshit. 

So, I wanted to sit and wait to devise a plan of what I was going to do before I brought it up to him. In all honesty, I might never bring it up to him. I just really don't feel like having that conversation right now, my heart is far too fragile to have to deal with that. But, I know I still need to do something... if not for myself and my wellbeing, then for Isaiah's. As of right now, I think my best course of action is to just shut my mouth about the whole thing until I'm finished school. I only have 4 more months to go before I'm done, and then that gives me enough time to find a new place. I think if anything, this is all a sign telling me to go home. I think this is my out to finally get back to Detroit, and while it's shitty that my time in New York had to come to an end like this, I don't think I would have ever left without this final push. 

It might even be perfect too, since I still had yet to terminate my contract with my old dance studio. Devon's been pushing me for months to call them and end it, but for whatever reason I've just been hesitant, and I think this is why. I knew deep inside me that something was going on, but I didn't wanna acknowledge it until it was staring me right in the face. Was that cowardly of me? Absolutely. But I also just thought it'd be better for Isaiah in the long run. I don't want him to have to grow up without a dad like I did. Not that Devon's much help with him anyway, but still, a male presence, who can teach him things that I can't. But in the end, I think Devon might just do more harm than good to him anyway. 

I sighed to myself, wracking my brain of how I could leave to Detroit with Isaiah, without causing a lot of legal problems for myself when I heard the phone start to ring. I quickly shot up off of the couch so I could hopefully get to it before it woke up Isaiah from his nap. I yanked it from the receiver and brought it to my ear. 

"Hello?" My voice was quiet, once again as to not wake up Isaiah. 

"Yo, it's me." That familiar, smooth voice poured through the phone. 

"Marshall?" A small smile washed over my face as I felt myself light up from the sound of him. 

"Yeah. Listen, I got your message and I'm sorry it took me so long to call you back, honestly I wasn't gonna, but I just wanted to let you know I'ma propose to Kim next month so whatever you needed from me, I can't give you."