let me live. a tommyinnit angst.

five.

before i start i just want to thank you all so so so much for over 200 reads. that's actually so amazing i don't even know what to say other than thank you so much ill try to update as much as i can.

//TW//abuse mention//panic or anxiety attack//medication//alcohol//

~~~time skip~~~

I put down my phone and sigh. I don't want to talk to my dad, so I'm kind of hoping he drove off to the bar again. Never thought I'd say that if I'm being honest. I took one last deep breath before standing up, heading to the end of my room, and walking out the door. I go as slowly as I can, mentally preparing myself for whatever my parents want to talk about. I walk down the hall and down the stairs to see just my mom sitting at the kitchen table, wrapping up a conversation with what I assume is one of her friends. "Alright, bye-bye now," I heard my mom say. "Mum?" I ask quietly. "Hey honey what's up?" She said in her usual soft, caring tone, obviously different from my dad. "Uh not much, but I just wanted to know why Dream said you needed to talk to me." "Oh right!" She said loudly which kind of made me flinch. She noticed this and muttered a quick "sorry," knowing exactly why I did so.

"I just wanted to talk to you about your medication again. Before you say anything, it's kind of easy to tell when you do and don't take it." Is it really? I thought to myself. "W-what do you mean? I take it every morning, like you told me to," I said nervously. "If you had taken it, you wouldn't be picking your nails to the point that they bleed every time you try and talk to me." I look down at my hands, and sure enough, there were little specks of red on a few of my fingers.

You can do better at hiding it. What's wrong with you? You're supposed to be making everything oblivious, and you can't even manage that. You're worthless. W. O. R. T. H. L. E-

The voices were cut off when I heard my mom. "Tommy?!" I snapped back into the real world for what felt like the thousandth time today. "Are you even listening to me?" I could hear the concern in her voice, but it kind of came off as anger. "Uh, yeah, sorry. Can you please repeat what you said?" She sighed while looking at her son with hurt eyes. "Tommy if you don't promise me that you take those meds every morning, you're not going on that trip. Do I make myself clear?" "Yes mum," I muttered. She pulled me into a tight hug and wouldn't let go until I spoke up. "Mom I'd like my body back now if you don't mind." She let out a light laugh and eventually let go. "Alright, go have fun with you're friends. I'll have dinner ready soon." She said happily. "Uh actually I think I'm gonna stream, I'll eat something later." I fully knew I definitely wouldn't be eating later, or even streaming, but she didn't need to know that. "Okay, have fun," she said with a smile.

~~~really short time skip~~~

"Alright guys, I'm good to go. When are we going exactly?" I said as soon as everyone got back on discord. Wilbur spoke up. "I'll pick you and Tubbo up on Tuesday morning, and we'll fly in that night. George and Fundy are going to get there a few hours before us." "Noted," I said calmly. "Also Tommy, if you don't mind me asking, why did your parents need to talk to you?" I sat there for a moment, panic filling my head. Why does he want to know? Why would he care? I let out a small laugh, mostly out of being anxious. "Oh haha, uh, it's nothing really, she- I mean they just wanted to tell me to not make trouble and shit." I tried to be funny, but no one laughed, really, except for Tubbo of course. "Oh, alright." Wilbur said, believing my white lie. I mean at least I think he believed it.

~~~time skip again~~~

I woke up, relieved I had gone to sleep before giving my dad a chance to come home and start yelling at me. I am kind of surprised though, that he didn't just wake me up, as he's done so a few times in the past. I got out of bed, realizing I should probably take a shower. When I got into the bathroom I noticed a large black and blue bruise on my right cheek. "What the-" I silently say to myself. It could've been from when my dad hit me yesterday, but usually slaps don't leave bruises. And now that I think about it, he hit me on the left side of my face, not the right. Maybe something happened last night that I don't remember? I really hope not. I quickly leave the bathroom to look out the window and see if my parents cars are still here. I noticed my moms car was gone. Usually she leaves for the night when my father says or does something she can't handle. Why can't I remember this? What happened last night?! The questions wouldn't stop filling my head as I began to feel tears well up in my eyes. I don't even know why the hell I'm crying, it makes no sense for me to cry when I don't even remember what happened. Before I knew it I was back on the floor, shaking uncontrollably, and starting to find it extremely difficult to breathe. Every time I tried to catch my breath it just got harder and harder, until I found myself hyperventilating. Why is it always me? I mean I deserve it don't I? I deserve everything bad that's ever happened to me. Right? Right?

I kept on letting the thoughts cram my head, before realizing my vision was beginning to cloud up with black spots. Okay, now's the time I should try to calm down. Nothing was working. Why can't I just breathe? I just sat there, shaking for what felt like hours, before finally losing consciousness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Word count - 1095

I DID IT GUYS I FINALLY MADE A CHAPTER WITH OVER 1K WORDS AHHHH!! anyways thank you all so much for reading, I'll update when I can. also for the record im writing this instead of doing my math homework so be grateful lmao.