let me live. a tommyinnit angst.

twelve.

Uh let's just say i'm kinda stupid lol, i forgot to mention the fact that tommy covered the bruise again with concealer, so his face looks normal again:)

//TW//panic attack//slight abuse mention//

~~~Tommy POV~~~

I went to go sit back down on the couch, and was met with a gentle pat on the shoulder, making me flinch a little. But not enough for anyone other than Karl to notice. Maybe he actually cares about me. I thought to myself, but it was more of a question. I never really knew what it felt like for someone to care that much, which probably explains why I was so uptight with opening up to anyone who ever showed that they even remotely cared about me. "Karl?" I asked, soft enough to which only he could hear, and possibly Tubbo. His eyes gleamed at the fact that I actually talked to him before he said anything. "Yes?" He said, matching my volume. "Can we talk? It doesn't have to be now, but whenever you want? We don't have to at all if you-," "Yes Tommy." He said, cutting off my rambling. Wait. Why did I ask him to talk? I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. Shit. Well, I can't get out of this one. He stood up, motioning for me to follow.

~~~Karl POV~~~

I lead Tommy to one of the hangout areas towards the back of the house where no one was, so we could talk in private. Considering how quiet he was being, I figured he most likely wanted to talk alone. "What's up?" I asked. "Is everything okay?" As soon as I asked the question, I could see his eyes flare up into a state of panic, and he started practically shaking. "Hey hey hey, take a deep breath okay? We don't have to talk now if you're not ready." I went in for a hug to comfort the boy, as slow as I could, being careful not to scare him. Almost as soon as I hugged him, he hugged back tighter than he ever has before, and let me tell you, he's a pretty tight hugger on a regular basis. We stood there for a while, and I could tell he was starting to cry. I held the shaking boy, but could feel his breaths becoming more regular. I didn't want to pull apart until he did, for obvious reasons. He slowly let go and wiped his eyes. I gave him a look of encouragement, knowing how hard it can be to talk to people.

~~~Tommy POV~~~

Let's just say impulsive decisions aren't always the greatest. I don't want to tell him anything, Wilbur already knows enough. I just broke down in front of someone I've never even really been that close too, what the hell does he think of me now? He honestly probably thinks I'm pathetic. Weak even. "I-I'm sorry." I stuttered out. "Hey there's nothing to apologize for, it's okay. You're okay." He gave me a look of sympathy, a genuine one. I felt the tears well up in my eyes once again, but managed to compose myself. "I-if I'm being honest I don't know why I even asked to talk." I manage to get out. "Tommy..." He trailed off. "I know there's definitely something on your mind, but I won't push you okay? But please know that it's better to talk to someone than not. It doesn't have to be me either. You can talk to Tubbo or Wilbur, hell even Geroge or Sapnap, or anyone. We love you okay?" He finished with another hug, and left the room.

~~~Karl POV~~~

I walked out of the room, my own tears beginning to form. I walked to the bathroom, not wanting the others to ask about what happened. That's not my story to tell. I splashed my face with cold water in attempts of getting rid of the tears, which worked. I sighed before leaving the bathroom, and walked back to the living room. I was met with a few weird glances and a worried Wilbur. "Where'd you two go? Is Tommy okay?" He whispered. "Yeah he's fine, just wanted to talk about streaming plans together. I think he's warming up to me." I felt bad about lying to the man, but I wasn't about to go tell everyone that he had an entire mental breakdown while shaking in my arms. We watched Sapnap have another go at beating minecraft on the xbox, a bit better than before, but it was still hilarious to watch him die constantly, not being able to hit anything. We all vowed to refuse to tell him how. He magically somehow ended up beating the game, although it took him a few hours. Tommy hadn't come back yet, and I couldn't help but worry. He's usually pretty smart, but you never know. After getting a few cheers and praises, he went upstairs.

~~~Tommy POV~~~

I quietly slipped out of the room a few minutes after Karl, and discretely trudged up the stairs. What the hell did I just do. I thought to myself. I threw myself onto the bed, but didn't cry this time. I just stared. I stared at the ceiling, thinking about everything and nothing. I just laid there, until I was interrupted by a soft ping. I picked up my phone to see a voicemail from my mother. Why would she send a voicemail, she didn't even call? Out of curiosity I unlocked my phone and hit play.

Uh. Hey Toms. I don't know how to put this, but, I- uh- left. I left that house, and unlike every time before, I'm not coming back. I'm so sorry baby. I've taken care of you and dealt with your father to the best of my abilities, but it's too much. I'll miss you. Just know that I love you, so so much. More than you'd ever know. Before I go I need you to promise me one thing. Do not go back to that house. I don't know what kind of mother I'd be if you went back there. Your father is an awful person, and you don't deserve that in the slightest. Do not go back so help me god. One more thing. Do not call back, there will be no use. I sent this right before shutting off my phone completely. I'll probably never see you again, but know I love you. Goodbye Thomas.

I stared at my phone in shock, unable to comprehend the words I just heard spoken from my sobbing mother. And that's when it hit me. I'd never see her again. The tears started falling harder than they were earlier, and I was shaking harder than I think I ever had. I began to sob loudly, not giving a fuck about who heard me. "Please come back." I repeatedly muttered through my cries. I didn't know how I hadn't passed out yet, but the only thing I could focus on is being left alone in a house with that monster. All of the memories of him hurting me and my mother flooded through my head, as well as the good ones. I fell off the bed, not really caring. I just kept crying, not knowing what else to do. Why'd she have to leave. She was my hope. My hope for happiness. She was supposed to save me. Why'd she leave. Why couldn't I have just left, then I wouldn't be such a problem, then my dad wouldn't have a reason to act the way he did. Why. Why why why. I was pulled out of my head as I heard a few soft knocks on my door. "Tommy?" The familiar voice said, knocking again. I couldn't respond. I wanted to tell them to go away, but the words wouldn't form in my mouth. I just kept sobbing. "Tommy if you don't say anything I'm coming in." The voice said, sounding more concerned than I think i've ever heard in my life. I heard the door softly open, and in rushed a worried Sapnap. He kneeled down next to me, and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "Hey hey Tommy can you hear me?" His voice cracked. I silently nodded, still not being able to let the words release from my mouth. "Okay, um, I need you to breathe with me. Listen to my voice and my own breathing." I could hear him start to take dramatic breaths, assumably so that I could hear him. I tried as hard as I could to match him, but for the most part I was unsuccessful. "Tommy I know it's hard but please keep trying." I knew if I didn't listen to him I'd probably pass out right then and there. I slowly managed to regain some control, and continued to mutter, "please come back. Please." I could see tears starting to fall down his own face. Did I upset him? No. I couldn't think about that now. "What do you mean?" He asked, his voice much softer and weaker than before. I looked up at him, and saw basically everyone standing outside of my room. "I-I w-want Karl." I managed to choke out through my sobs. I watched Karl slip into the room as Sapnap slowly stood up, walked out, and softly closed the door.

~~~~~~~~

word count - 1563

OKAY WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW THAT TOMMY'S DEAD /rp LIKE IF HE DOESNT COME BACK ONE WAY OR ANOTHER I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF AHHHH😭 anyways heres a super long chapter:) idk how i'll be able to keep up with the dsmp lore, school, writing this, writing music, and dance all at the same time but i'm trying lol.