let me live. a tommyinnit angst.

nineteen.

thank you all so flipping much for 50k reads holy hell. i love you.

//TW//ED//throwing up//prescribed meds//anxiety//

~~~3rd person POV~~~

The next week and a half in Florida went by pretty smoothly. There were no major incidents, besides the fact that Tommy and Tubbo almost always refused to talk to one another. Well more so it was just Tommy making useless attempts to make amends with the smaller boy, but Tubbo was angry. Not just at Tommy, but at practically everything. He was mad that the others kept trying to reason with him. He was mad that everyone felt bad for Tommy, even though it was his fault for doing that to himself. He was just mad at the world, and at this point he wasn't even sure why.

They obviously still hung out together, because the entire group was not about to just cancel everything with the two of them just because Tubbo was deciding to be an absolute bitch. They just didn't talk, and avoided sitting next to each other at all costs. At this point, no one understood why Tubbo was so upset. If anything, as Tommy's best friend, he should be helpful, or at least just be there for him. I don't know how you can expect a simple teenager to get through that if he doesn't even have his best friend by his side.

Everyone in the house had caught on to Tommy's poor eating habits, but no one really questioned it after realizing that Karl, Wilbur, and Dream had it under control. Well for the most part. Many times they had caught him purging, throwing out whatever he could get away with, and just avoiding food whenever he had the chance to. He was better than before, but without Tubbo, he just wasn't able to find that last bit of motivation to keep fighting.

~~~Karl POV~~~

"Tommy! Come on it's time to go!" I called to him while knocking on his door. We were all planning on going out and doing whatever, wanting to make the most of our last few days in Florida. I was about to walk away before the door opened in front of me. "Can you come in for a sec?" He asked, almost sounding unsure of himself. "Yeah of course."

I followed him back into his room, slowly shutting the door behind me. "What's up?" I asked him. "I, uh, don't really know how to ask this but can I stay here today?" I stared at him for a second, wondering what on earth could've possibly made him want to miss a day with his friends. "I mean I guess, I'm not necessarily in charge of you, but why?" I asked, making quotation marks with my fingers around the words 'in charge.' "I- I dunno, I just feel panicked and shaky, I don't know why."

"Did you take your meds today? Do you nee-" I began to reach for my pocket before he cut me off. "Yes yes I took them, I just don't think I'd be able to handle being in public today. And before you say anything about it, which I know you were about to, it's not to get out of eating. I'll eat whatever is here while you guys are gone."

"Do you want me to stay here? The others can go out and you and I can just have a chill day if you want." He was quick to respond after that, which I think anyone would've found odd if they were in this situation. "N-no, it's okay, go have fun. I'll be fine." I contemplated for a minute whether or not it was a safe call to let him stay here by himself. "Okay, but send me a picture of what you eat for lunch, got it?" He gave a little smile. "Got it."

~~~~~~~

I explained to them that Tommy is going to stay here, and mentioned for them to not ask him why. Tommy has never really been the type to share his mental issues with anyone, so I intend on keeping it that way. As we climbed into the two cars, I couldn't help but feel uneasy with the fact that he was being so weird about staying here. You would think that by now I would've learned my lesson to trust my gut, but my head tends to tell me differently.

Even Wilbur seemed uneasy with him staying here. He had pulled me to the side after I said something, asking for any more info that I could give. I honestly didn't really know what to tell him, considering the fact that I barely even knew myself. I just gave him the simplest answer I could think of, not wanting to go into a huge convo at the moment. "Anxiety." Wilbur seemed to understand, nodding and walking away.

We piled into the two cars, and were off. My gut was screaming at me to go back and make sure he was okay, but of course I didn't listen. Of. Fucking. Course.

~~~Tommy POV~~~

Once I heard the click of the door, I knew I had a few hours to execute what I had been planning ever since I got that godforsaken voicemail from my mom. I leaped out of bed, grabbing everything I had brought with me, and shoved it into my suitcase. The airport wasn't too far away, I knew I could walk there in the time span of around an hour.

I was finishing up packing what I had, until I came across Tubbo's swim shirt. The very same swim shirt I had worn the day he stopped being friends with me. The day he began to ignore me at any time he could. One of the worst days of my life, which is really saying something. I stared at it, tears pricking at my eyes, but I couldn't cry. I had wasted too many tears on someone who wouldn't dare waste any on me. He wasn't worth it.

I stood up, stuffing the shirt into the bag, and zipped it up. I looked around the room, taking in the last moments of one of the best and worst times of my life. I sighed before taking the last few steps to the door, and walked out, suitcase in hand. Not really knowing how to approach the next few moments, I let my feet wander until they found Karl's bedroom door.

As I walked in, but this time I let the tears fall freely. Because unlike Tubbo, Karl was worth crying over. I knew that Karl would give anything, and I mean anything, just to know that I was happy, and most importantly safe. In all honesty I didn't deserve him. His soul is simply just too kind, and I've never understood how. How someone could be so selfless, or how someone could be so forgiving.

Not being able to think about Karl without having a full on breakdown for much longer, I walked out of the room, mindlessly letting my feet wander until I ended up out on the front porch. The tears that had begun to finally dry just fell harder at the thought of the first time I sat out here with Karl. That was the best night of my life, it being the first time in a while I had genuinely smiled. The moment of deja vu ended just as soon as it started.

I had already began to walk away from the house, closely listening to my phone as it was telling me the directions to the airport. I didn't bother to turn around and get one last good look at the house, because I knew that if I did, I wouldn't be able to keep it together.

~~~time skip~~~

I got through TSA pretty smoothly, besides the one person who asked me why I wasn't with my parents. I had already bought the ticket around a week ago, so there weren't many complications. It was around lunchtime, so I knew Karl would be asking for a picture of my lunch sooner or later. I figured I'd just order something small on the plane, even though I most likely wouldn't have eaten it anyway.

After waiting in the terminal for close to an hour, we began to board. I had done this a few times before, so It wasn't difficult. My row was called, so I swiftly walked through the tube and onto the plane. Heh, tube. Reminds me of Tubbo. I thought while smiling sadly. I sat on my phone, waiting for takeoff, which occurred a few moments later.

You might be wondering, why in gods name would I go back? Wouldn't I be happier with my friends? Probably. But I knew they would never let me go back. As much as I despise my father, I couldn't help but love him too.

~~~~~~~~~~

word count - 1504

i wrote most of this after not sleeping for around two days, so i apologize for any mistakes, goodnight<3