In Your Dreams

4.

After my surgery with Bailey I was definitely feeling like the new kid in school. At least Mark would be friendly with me..and the nurses, but that was nothing new. I still couldn't get the girl from the gallery out of my mind, and I couldn't understand why she kept disappearing on me. This should clearly tell me to run, but for some reason it felt impossible.

I yanked my scrub cap off, ferry boats, they always cheered me up. Maybe I'd take a ride on the way home, I need a little clarity. I walked down the hall towards my office, I needed to do my post-op notes and stay on top of things while I can. I saw something out of the corner of my eye and stopped. I was starting to get used to stopping suddenly, I turned my head and there she was again.

It's her. It's her! IT IS HER!

Her smile was brilliant and bright, it could light up a room easily. Her eyes were beaming and her skin aglow. Underneath the picture was a gold plaque that had a name, just like the other offices that lined the hall, including mine, so she must not be an intern after all. It said 'Dr. Meredith Grey', what a beautiful name to go with a beautiful face. Sigh. Swoon. Snap out of it Shep!

The office was dark and silent. I knew that no one was in there but wondered if it would be rude or..stalker like if I were to just go inside and wait for her? I was already off on a bad foot anyway. I turned the knob and found it unlocked, I pushed the door open and walked into the dark, creepy quiet office. It seemed lifeless and dusty. But she was a busy doctor, she must not have time to accomplish things like dusting. I looked around for a lamp and found one on top of the desk.

I looked around the office and my eyes immediately went to the large painting on the wall of a ferry boat. A smile spread across my lips and I felt a pittering flutter in my chest, how pathetic. The pictures on her desk drew my attention next. I walked over and instinctively sat down in the large leather office chair. There were four of them, all in small silver frames. One was of her and the one who has Mark's balls in her tiny hands, Lexie? They were on either side of an elderly man with gray curls. It hit me then that their last names are both Grey, maybe they were sisters?

The next picture was of her on top of Mt. St. Helens. She must have climbed it, she looks happy and as if she'd just accomplished something. The third picture was her sitting on the edge of a patient's bed posing with the little boy, maybe it was her first patient, or some sentimental case? The fourth frame was empty. It didn't make sense, but I didn't have time to think about it as I heard footsteps at the door. I looked up with anticipation but was met by a pair of dark eyes instead.

"What are you doing in here?"

"I um.. I was just."

I had a decent explanation for being in Meredith Grey's office. But for some reason the shocked look of hurt on Lexie's face was throwing me off. It made me feel as if I'd just trespassed onto sacred territory, I didn't get it.

"Look I know you're new, but you're not supposed to be in here."

"I wasn't messing with anything." I replied "I was just waiting for Meredith. I haven't met her yet."

"What." She gasped, tears suddenly rimmed her eyes and I was the one felling like a whipped puppy.

"Well, Meredith Grey, I haven't met her yet. So I thought I'd wait for her."

"Is this a joke!" Lexie yelled angrily "Is this some kind of joke! You think it's funny!"

"I..I..." I stuttered and felt like a fish, just opening and closing my mouth with nothing to say "I'm not joking."

"It's not funny! Not even remotely close to being funny, how dare you!"

"Lex!" I heard Mark's voice at the door and breathed a sigh of relief. He tugged on her arm and flashed me a glance "Shh, calm down. He doesn't know."

"Well he should know." She muttered. "I have to go I..." she threw me a death glare "Take care of that."

"I will." He nodded sympathetically and wiped her tears away. "See you at home?"

She nodded with a pout and then walked off. I still felt speechless, this usually didn't happen to me. I'd never been in a place where I'd been unliked. I was a likeable guy, loveable even. Why was everyone so coy and crass with me? Mark wagged his finger at me, gesturing I follow him. I did as I was told, apparently there were strict rules to follow in this place. We went into his office and sat down, he buried his face in his hands and let out a heavy sigh.

"I'm sorry." I took the initiative "I'm sorry I upset your girlfriend, I didn't mean to."

"I know." Mark groaned as he looked up at me "I know you didn't mean to."

"What is it that I did, exactly?"

"Meredith was her sister."

"I figured that." I nodded "And like I told her, I was only waiting for her. I wanted to meet her."

"Oh boy." Mark cocked a brow "No wonder she was so upset."

"Why does me meeting her sister upset her?"

"Meredith is dead, Derek."

I felt my world of anticipation and dreams crack and crumble as the shock wave slowly radiated out of my chest and rippled through my body.

"What."

How could this be possible! My heart ached as if I'd just lost someone dear to me. No way, I saw her. I saw her!! She had to be real, my imagination wasn't that good. And don't tell me I'm seeing ghosts.

"She disappeared eighteen months ago." Mark continued "She was into something...something big. I don't know what because she was very secretive about it."

"Drugs?"

"No." Mark violently shook his head "She would never. Meredith was...well she was one of the good ones. She brushed her teeth religiously, double laced her shoes and never had an unkind word to say about anyone, even when they pissed her off. She was about to become chief resident, hence the office."

"So what happened?" I knew the question was painful, but I had to know.

"She'd gotten off late that night, she said she was going to just go home and take a nap, eat and then return by the time everyone else got there for pre-rounds. But she didn't...she was gone. I thought it was weird that she was running late, she was never late. But I told myself she was oversleeping. Lexie and I made ourselves wait 24 hours before calling the police, we were tied up at work."

Mark stopped, he was choking on the lump in his throat and I could see this was hard on him. She must have meant a lot to a lot of people, no wonder this hospital seemed so depressing.

"What did they find?"

"Her apartment was thrashed. There was blood everywhere."

"Where did they find her?"

"They didn't."

"Well if there was no body how could they not pronounce her dead?"

"They didn't need a body Derek." Mark snapped, I could tell by the look in his eyes that I needed not to push it.

"I'm sorry." I whispered as grief hit me "I'm so sorry."

"The pain is still fresh, it's still new."

"I can tell, everyone around here seemed a little odd but now it makes sense."

"She was important to a lot of people." He said with a small smile "The hospital was her home."

I wasn't going to break down in front of Mark. How selfish that would seem to him, someone who didn't even know her. A part of me wanted to, it ached...if only I'd been here eighteen months ago, I would have....well I don't know what I would have done. But I sure as hell wouldn't have let her leave this world. It's such a dimmer place knowing that she's not in it anymore.