In Your Dreams

9.

It wasn't starting out to be a good day for me. I hadn't slept much in the last few days and when I did I would dream about Meredith. I was still seeing her out of the corner of my eye, it was as if she were haunting me or trying to tell me something. And the worst of it was that the blasted song coming from her radio in the last dream was running through my head over and over again.

What was it supposed to mean? Was it supposed to mean anything? I walked up to the nurses station and dropped the chart I'd been toting around on the counter. I heard it again, only this time I wasn't imagining it or listening to it in my head. It was taunting me from behind the counter, coming from the charge nurse's radio sitting on her desk.

"What song is that?" I asked in hopes that maybe putting a name to it would stop the sound.

"Oh, sorry Dr. Shepherd." Olivia said as she reached to turn the volume down.

"No." I shook my head "It's fine I just keep hearing it and I don't know what it is."

"It's the Nutcracker." She answered.

I nodded with appreciation. The nutcracker, a Christmas ballet. Well it was getting close to Christmas. But I had no idea why it was playing in Meredith's car, maybe she was into the Ballet, maybe she disappeared before Christmas. Maybe I'm crazy. I glanced up as a sweet perfume entered the space I was standing and noticed a petite brunette that I needed to heavily apologize to.

"Dr. Grey." I mumbled, she looked up and took me in with remorse and hostility, no surprise to me "I need to apologize for the other day."

"So do I." She startled me with.

"I'm sorry?"

"Well you didn't know." She sighed "And I shouldn't have gotten so upset."

"I shouldn't have barged into anyone's office." I apologized "And I won't go in there again."

Lexie nodded with a look of masked pain "I just...I miss her."

"I can't imagine." I said with sympathy, somehow I missed her too "Was she your only sister?" The question was answered with a sharp jabbing look that caused me to regret the question "Sorry."

"I should be able to talk about her." Lexie said with defeat "It shouldn't hurt to tell you about her. So yes, she was my only sister. Half sister actually."

"Half sister?"

"Her mother left our father when she was three. And he married my mother and had me."

"I wouldn't have been able to tell that she was your half sister." I smiled "You seem very fond of her."

"My mom died when I was ten. So a lot of the time all we had was each other."

"I'm sorry to hear that." I mumbled. This girl must feel like a walking magnet of death with everyone dropping like flies around her. Damn if I ever say that though. I heard the song on the radio start to end and suddenly a question sparked inside me. I didn't want to ask, I didn't want to bring up anything else for her that would be painful to remember but it burned.. it burned so badly I had to let it go "Was Meredith into ballet?"

"Excuse me?" she seemed more confused than upset with the question.

"The nutcracker." I said "Was Meredith a fan of it."

"Oh." She said with a look of apprehension in her eyes "No...but I was."

I kept quiet. For starters I didn't want to open up the wound inside of her any further than I already had. But something in her eyes told me that she had more that she wanted to say, and I was all ears.

"I always wanted to take ballet, to be a ballerina." She said with a bittersweet smile on her lips "Meredith was dead set to be a doctor from day one. After mom died, our dad never had the time to take me to ballet lessons or anything so...so Meredith." She gulped with emotion "she knew how important it was for me. So she went around the neighborhood and raked yards and delivered papers, whatever job a 13 year old girl could get she got. And she saved the money and finally bought two tickets to the nutcracker ballet. She took me every year."

"Amazing." I mumbled.

"She was." Lexie gasped, making me realize the flood gates I'd just opened "She was the best sister!"

"I'm sorry." I mumbled "I'm sorry you lost your sister."

I handed her a box of tissues from the nurse's desk just as my pager shrieked at my side. She nodded her thanks before turning and retreating to the ladies room. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut? Why did I have to feel so compelled to bring up the grief that everyone was just starting to learn to deal with. I headed down the hall to the stairwell, we had a chopper coming in and I needed to get to the roof. Just as I turned the corner I saw her. She was twirling down the hallway as the song rang once again through my head...whatever it was she wanted to tell me I wish she just would already.