In Your Dreams

39.

"What do you see?" Mark asked anxiously behind me as we all stared intently at the screen.

"I don't know." I scoffed impatiently "It's just barely coming up." He started drumming his fingers on the back of my chair and I looked up and glared at him "Seriously."

"Sorry." He sighed heavily and folded his hands tightly under his arms "I'm just nervous."

"We all are." Lexie said soothingly as she placed a hand on his arm.

"He's my best friend."

"And he's the love of my life." I mumbled, "We'll figure it out."

"He's the love of your life?" Lexie asked humbly "You can tell already?"

"Yes." I said "I know it seems fast but I can't imagine a day without him." I gulped and tried not to let my emotions get the best of me, I tried not to let my mind wander into wondering how many days we had left. "And this is scaring the hell out of me."

"It's not normal." Mark shook his head.

"No shit Sherlock." I rolled my eyes.

"Can you really understand him?" he asked me. "How?"

"I don't know." I said, "I just do. I don't know how to explain it. There's this...this connection. And its like I just know what he means. The words he says don't make sense but I know what he means."

"Connection." Lexie nodded "Right."

"Derek told me about the visions." I mumbled remorsefully "The ones that led him to me."

"He did?" Mark asked "How did you take it."

"I freaked out." I sighed "I'm a coward."

"You're not a coward." Lexie laughed "You of all people are not a coward."

"He wants to build a house." I said "He wants to get married and have little babies with perfect hair. He talks to me about everything and it all comes from the bottom-most depth of his heart....and I ran." I looked up at them with disgust in myself "He didn't deserve it. And he doesn't deserve this. My hero is lying in the machine in the other room unable to talk, and I ran...."

Lexie knelt in front of me and wiped the tears off my face that I didn't even know that I had. "It's ok." She whispered "It's scary, and big, and you deserve it too. It'll be ok."

"Sorry." I sniffled and let out a sigh to compose myself.

"It's up!" Mark said. I spun around in my chair and studied the screen carefully "So what is it, a tumor?"

"A clot, is he having a stroke?" Lexie asked "What is it Meredith, what do you see?"

I gulped as I looked over and over and over again in disbelief and let out a defeated sigh.

"Nothing. I see nothing."