hell or flying | Chaelisa

Chapter 15

A/N: Hurt Like Hell - Fleurie, Habits (Stay High) - Tove Lo

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I knew I couldn't walk away. There is no doubt I wanted to, several times actually, but even then, deep down, I knew I couldn't. It wasn't an option for me, not when I wanted to move on. Were my reasons selfish? Perhaps, but it really wasn't just for my benefit.

After the talk I had with the Kim couple, I felt like though I wasn't there to witness it; I knew how much pain Lisa was enduring. I suddenly understood those cold, distant, detached glances. It all made sense now that I have opened my eyes with the help of the two women who seemed to be determined to fix this mess I got into.

She was strong, stronger than I could ever hope to be. No matter how hard I tried to pretend I was okay, I could never fool myself, her, or my friends. At the end of the day, I wasn't able to deceive anyone who paid attention and really looked at me. I didn't have to say it for them to know how I felt. And no matter how many times I told my reflection it was over, I couldn't believe it. Not when my heart wrenched in my chest at the mere thought of her.

There wasn't a guarantee the couple was right though. I mean, they themselves have admitted they lost touch with the Thai and were nowhere near as close as they once used to be. But in a world where hope was the only thing you could hold on to, I grabbed onto anything I could. Even if the chances of me being completely heartbroken after finding out it was nothing more but wishful thinking were high.

But there was one thing I was certain of that was true; I loved her. I never stopped, not even for a second, and no matter what the outcome would be, I had to keep fighting. Even at the stake that I would end up being alone in the ring, I had to hope that she'd see how determined I was and that she would step in with me. I had to hope that at some point, no matter how long it would take, she would open her heart to me once more and listen.

And though I had a renewed vigor from the conversation I shared with Jennie and Jisoo, I was still sullen. Though I knew, and the two made sure to remind me, that I had no right to be jealous or mad at Lisa, I was. I couldn't shake the feeling of utter jealousy whenever I imagined Lisa with another woman. I felt possessive as if something that was mine was stolen from me. Even though I was well aware, she was no longer mine, and she hasn't been for years. It was only natural she would find someone else, yet it was eating away at me.

I had no right to be heartbroken, to feel abandoned and hurt, but God, I did. No matter how many times I've told myself I shouldn't have. Maybe it was the hormones making me this way, at least that's what I kept on telling myself after the pain in my chest hasn't stopped even though it's been a few weeks. That, and the salty droplets escaping my puffy eyes, accompanying the heartache.

If anyone were to see me, they would call me pathetic. Heck, I would call myself pathetic. I mean, look at me. A grown woman hugging her own body just because of some sweatshirt that only had value to me and no one else. I was holding onto it for my dear life as if it would hold her in place, whereas she was probably just fucking another woman. That thought alone made the pain anything but dissipate.

What was I really searching for, anyway? I should've thrown it out months ago. Or better yet, I shouldn't have taken it with me when I left the dormitories that night. Her scent that the hoodie used to linger in was long gone. So much so, that I forgot how she smelled. And though it could still keep me warm during chilly nights, it lacked the warmth of love I felt whenever I wore it during the simple days when I awaited her arrival from a class.

Really, all the connection between the stretched out and washed out material, and the girl it originally belonged to, was gone. This way I only risked Chanyeol finding it and asking questions I wouldn't have answers to. And yet, knowing all this, I never even tried to get rid of it. I couldn't. Just as the memories; I couldn't let go. A part of me just couldn't let go, no matter how much I wanted it to. I wondered if I would ever get the chance to tell her that or if she'd discard me each time.