hell or flying | Chaelisa

Chapter 40

Despite my promise to Lisa, I knew what I had to do. She did as well. However, she buried the part of her that knew I was right deep within, covered with dirt made of worry, insecurity, and fear. I understood where the negative emotions came from. I really did. Have the roles been reversed, I'd be equally reluctant to go onward with the plan; heck, I'd be against it. Just like Lisa, I would insist that there was another way, one that didn't involve taking a huge risk that could've ended badly in a split second.

But the roles weren't reversed; I was I, and Lisa was Lisa, and we were each different pieces on the checkerboard. We both had different strategies and different moves to make and even if she wanted to protect my piece, there was only so much she could do. Right now, we were out of options. There was only one move that could be made to avoid checkmate, and I was the crucial piece to execute the move.

We could still win. I had to have faith we could. Because what were we without hope? Just shallow, empty people roaming the earth with no goal in sight. No matter how impossible, I had to have faith that despite having far fewer pieces, I could still turn the game around; that I still had some power.

Lisa hated the idea. She has made that very clear. I didn't want to upset her any more than I already have, just as much as I wanted to avoid any further conflict between us. She was all I had, and I hated it when we fought. The second voices got raised, something inside me would crack and I'd flinch in fear simply because of what I was used to that usually followed the louder intensity of a voice. I knew Lisa wouldn't hurt me, but the involuntary action couldn't be helped. The fear would forever be instilled within me and so, whenever we fought and Lisa would lose herself in the argument and raise her voice even the smallest bit and I'd flinch away, I'd see the hurt in her eyes.

I hated knowing I was the reason for that because I felt like, perhaps; I didn't trust her. Especially when she'd take a step forward as she realized her mistake, only for me to back away from her. I didn't want her to think that I thought she would hurt me. I knew she wouldn't. Yet, the movement was automatic and no matter how much I didn't want it to; it had become a reflex.

People fought, no matter what their relationship status was. It was only natural that two people would arrive at a crossroads leading up to an argument. I would raise my voice, she would. It was both of our faults we let the situation get out of hand and I didn't want Lisa solely to take the blame just because Chanyeol fucked me up. It wasn't her fault and at times; I suspected she didn't realize it.

So after the promise I made, not that it really was a promise, hence I never spoke those exact words, I haven't mentioned it again. I kept the thoughts to myself, slowly and carefully conducting the next plan of action in my head without letting Lisa in on it. It would be pointless to tell her anything. It would do me no good if she knew; quite the opposite, actually, knowing she'd do anything she could to stop me from doing something she deemed reckless.

I really couldn't blame her. I'd be a hypocrite if I did. But that didn't mean I would back down. Lisa was right in certain aspects. The fear she felt was justified. If I went back and got caught, I would never leave the penthouse again. I might have managed to slip out before, but it would be so different now and I knew I wouldn't have the same luck again.

If this were a checkerboard, it would go something like this - I'd lift my piece, ready to execute my move, and placed it onto the next tile. It was a matter of a slight movement of my fingers ransoming the chess piece that would make all the difference. Because the second my fingers left the wooden piece and my move were wrong, it was checkmate. I had lost, and the game was over. So no matter what moves I was to make, I had to keep my fingers wrapped around the piece, where there was still turning back and finding a different approach.