hell or flying | Chaelisa

Chapter 7

It hasn't been long since Jennie left the hotel suite, which I got to call home for the past few days, and I was engulfed in silence once again. I used to hate it, the quiet. It was deafening. But I've grown to love it as it was the only time I got some peace of mind. A time where I could focus on myself and my thoughts without having to worry about anything else.

The quiet no longer felt empty and sad. Now all I associated it with was undisturbed calmness, where the only sound cutting through it was the sound of my breathing. And though I hated that sound sometimes, at times like these, it helped to keep my mind away from things I didn't want to think about. I just had to focus on each breath in and the puff of air as I exhaled rather loudly.

I used to feel alone, and truthfully, I still did. Being all alone, especially in a spacious room such as this one, felt quite lonely. But even that I've grown to love because that was the only time I could have for myself, not that I had much to do. However, no one told me to do anything or ordered me around. It was certainly better than having the black-haired devil anywhere near me, for sure. Yet, I still felt lonely, at times. Humans are social beings, and being alone isn't something we thrive in.

This time around, though, it was different. I knew that despite being alone; I wasn't, really. That there were people who thought of me, wrong or right things. Either way, they had me in their minds. And after the conversation, Jennie and I shared, I knew that at least Jisoo, and now Jennie too, thought of me in a way that didn't have to sadden me.

Finally, I made things right. At least with Jennie. There was still Jisoo, who I had to reconcile with since just like Jennie, she deserved an explanation. And though I knew Jennie would brief her in, she deserved to hear it from me. She was my best friend, my older sister, and I missed her terribly.

So now that things seemed to get better, I couldn't wait to see her. Sure, there was still fear present in me, as I couldn't be sure what reaction I'd get once coming face to face with the raven. But seeing as even Jennie, who sure as hell didn't harbor many positive feelings for me when she stepped foot here, could forgive me (at least to an extent because things like these weren't forgiven just like that), Jisoo wouldn't hate me either. And considering Jennie said that unlike her, her wife still even after years had faith in me, I knew it wouldn't be too bad. I would find that out soon enough since Jennie gave me her number so we could schedule a time for all three of us to meet. Of course, I was excited, but then I remembered my spouse wouldn't be very thrilled hearing I was reconnecting with the people of my past, especially if they were gay.

And then, of course, there was Lisa. The one who deserved an explanation the most. Though I doubted she would care for it. No, with Lisa I was sure it wouldn't go half as smoothly as it did with Jennie. I knew that with the two of us, there would be much more work to put in if I wanted her to ever be able to at least look at me without hatred or indifference in her eyes. But then again, with her especially, I knew I didn't deserve that.

Hurting Jennie and Jisoo was one thing, a bad, horrible thing that, in my opinion, was still very much unforgivable. But Lisa was a whole other case. She wasn't just anyone (not that Jennie and Jisoo were). She was my girlfriend. She was a scared little girl sat in the room's corner with knees tucked under her chin, her head face down, because she was afraid to face the world. Lisa was the little girl who never got the love she deserved, the affection or the attention one should receive since early on. Not until I came around and showed her what it was like to be loved.

I was the one she entrusted her heart with. The one who was supposed to hold it carefully in my palms, like a fragile piece of glass seconds away from shattering. I was the one who promised her that despite life not being easy, I would do everything in my power to make it better. Assured her that what happened before wouldn't repeat itself because she was no longer alone. And I told her she no longer had to be scared and take pictures of each moment that made her smile. Because I promised I would stay.