hell or flying | Chaelisa

Chapter 44

My tears kept falling without a sign of stopping for the next thirty minutes as I kept rereading the scan of the letter that should've been in my possession in the first place. Truthfully, I wasn't even sure what I was looking at.

It was my father's writing. There was no doubt about it, but it was so drastically different from the will I received when I arrived in Korea. The one that was given to me started the same, but by the end of it, the difference was undeniable. He even called me "Chipmunk" which he used to call me when I was little, my face even chubbier than it was now. Or well, before, since after I got married, I lost a lot of weight that there was barely any fat left on my bones.

Only my dad, mum, and sister knew of the nickname. Well, Jisoo did too, but she rarely called me that, knowing what painful memories it brought. The last time anyone addressed me as such was in college when Lisa came over for the first time, bringing breakfast for Jisoo and me, and noticed how my cheeks puffed out. That was the last I heard of the nickname I used to be called so frequently when I was a little kid.

So what was it doing in here? Why was there a different version, one that contradicted the one I was given when I came back? While the first one was focused on my future with a man and the company, this one focused more on the happiness I could find within myself, and I wasn't sure what to believe anymore. In the letter I wrote, my father was willing to give up the company for me, and that was a hard pill to swallow. He always took pride in what his family built, so why would he throw it away so haphazardly?

Perhaps that was why I had a hard time believing my parents wrote the letter in front of me. Yet, though doubtful, I couldn't stop myself from reading it over and over again until I could recite it word for word. Despite feeling doubtful, I was a sobbing mess, tears falling on my lap as they slid down my cheeks, my heart-wrenching in my chest painfully.

No matter how many times I was deceived, I seemed to be lied to over and over again by everyone in my life. Every time I thought I steeled myself against the harsh reality and cruelty of people, though I had rid myself of my naivety, something like this happened that just proved that I had done no such thing. I was still stupid and naïve, getting burned repeatedly, even after experiencing the sting several times.

I wasn't sure what to believe anymore; who to believe. Why would there even be two versions? That was a question I pondered over as I tried to calm my shallow breathing back into its regular pattern. I've already gone through this once, surely I could do it again. I already experienced this, so it shouldn't hurt this badly. It shouldn't matter. Yet it did. It hurt just as much as the first time, if not more. Because this letter felt different.

This one oozed love that I had wished to feel for so long. It radiated guilt, shame, and regret that though being negative emotions, I hoped my parents felt for abandoning me those years ago. The words across the page screamed and begged for a chance at redemption and forgiveness, to make things right and make amends. They were so clearly aware of their mistakes and they held absolutely nothing against me.

They had no wishes for me to fulfill, instead; they told me to focus on what made me happy in life, knowing I had my fair share of suffering. Those words told me to live for myself, not for them, not for Alice, not for anyone else but me. They were words I so desperately needed to hear now, just as much as I needed to hear them back then. Sadly, I would never hear them, from them directly.

The nickname. The feelings. The honesty. It all made such an impact on me every time my eyes would graze over the letter as if trying to encrypt a secret message hidden between the lines. This was so much different from what I've been given back then, and it made me feel so much different.

While the first will made me feel guilt-ridden and like I was the one who should make amends and do something to make them proud, this one did the exact opposite. This one made me feel valued and heard, and like despite everything, they still loved me dearly even if they failed to show me after what happened. It felt like a warm hug from the people I needed it from most. And I wasn't sure what to make out of it.