hell or flying | Chaelisa

Chapter 33

I gaped at the page in front of me, jaw slack, eyes unmoving from the cursive letters scribbled across the yellowed paper. A million thoughts ran through my head at once as I reread the words over and over, losing all sense of time and place. Nothing seemed to matter, not Peter, not the room I was in, not the way time passed with each wasted second. None of it was of any importance as I stared at what seemed like a perfect copy of the document only I was supposed to be in possession of.

How Chanyeol got it was a mystery to me, seeing as I was a hundred percent sure I've never given it into his hands, cherishing the last words of my parents dearly, and unwilling to share them with anyone else. Despite our turbulent relationship, I loved my parents dearly, and for my own pride and hurt, I never got to tell them that. Not once in all those years, I've spent away from them.

Their death broke me because I realized that all those times I spent resenting them for their wrongdoings (even if I understood the root of their distance to me), I could've spent in their presence. I could've visited them during the holidays, I could've called them instead of just picking up the phone when they'd call. I could've asked how they were doing, instead of wishing for the phone call to be over already.

Lisa talked to me about it once, and I couldn't stop her words from flashing in my mind for the hundredth time since their accident. Not since the murder of the last two people I had.

"I know they hurt you a lot and even if they had their reasons, what they did wasn't right. It wasn't fair to you, leaving you behind when you were also grieving," Lisa consulted me as I rested my head on her shoulder, both of us curled up on her bed in the middle of the night after I ended the call with my parents, "You have every right to be angry with them, I would be too, but this resentment you're harboring is only causing you pain, Rosie,"

Despite her words, I remained silent, not sure what I should say because even though she tried to help, I didn't think she truly understood, "I know you felt all alone all those years back, you told me just how much you struggled. You were just a kid then and as your parents, they should have been there for you. They shouldn't have shut you out just because it was hard for them. You needed them, yet they weren't there. They were selfish and only thought of their own pain, and I know that although you understand their reasons, it still haunts you. Don't act like it doesn't," she said knowingly, as I opened my mouth for the first time to speak.

"The way you cut off the call and the constant roll of your eyes was a clear sign. Not to mention you always turn down their invitations to spend the holiday at home. You might think you're over it, but you're not and to me, it's clear as day even if you refuse to acknowledge it,"

"You don't know what it's like," I shook my head, not irritated by the blonde's words, simply not interested in hearing more. Because as much as I was at peace with my past, I couldn't speak of it unless it was on my terms, and truly, I didn't want to talk about the two people who failed me the most.

"I don't," she conceded, "but I know what it's like not to have parents. I know that death isn't the ultimate end, that you only ever truly lose people when they choose to leave you behind. Ally is still here, maybe not physically, but she'll always be here," her hand reached down from my shoulder, tracing a circle above where my heart beat, "But it's different when they leave you willingly like you don't matter to them,"

Lisa stayed silent for a moment as if contemplating her words, but it was once she spoke again with her voice wavering slightly I realized it wasn't contemplation. It was a deep wound she was willing to explore once more for my own benefit, and I was touched by the gesture, just as much as I was hurt by the knowledge of what Lisa had to endure in her life. The knowledge that someone as kind and selfless as her has been left behind and made to feel like she wasn't enough, and I couldn't do anything about it other than remind her every day, she was everything to me.