hell or flying | Chaelisa

Chapter 17

A/N: I feel like I should address this, Ashley is not Ashely B. Choi. It was just a random name that popped into my head. Just so there's no confusion :)

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I was at a loss. Complete and utter loss. I kept asking myself the same question, "What now?" and, "Is this the end?". I didn't like the idea of us not parting ways again. Of the last memory, I would have of her, being how she left me in the dust of her motorcycle that zoomed through the underground garage.

But what could I do? I have done everything I possibly could, haven't I? I tried to talk to her three times now. And each time she would push me away, not interested in hearing what I had to say in the slightest. Even went as far to accuse me of not being able to respect the only wish she had left and that was to leave her alone.

It was true; I could not honor that wish. Like all the times before, I was set on my goal and not even her clear displeasure set me astray. Which, now that I thought about it, made me sound even worse. I was doing it for her though, wasn't I? Well, partially at least because a big part of me just wanted to feel better knowing she knew the truth. Yes, I was that selfish.

Albeit Lisa not caring for my apologies, which I was sure she would find meaningless anyway, I couldn't bring myself to do as she asked. I understood where she was coming from, really; I did. If I were in her shoes, I'd hate me too. How could I not? I was the only person she trusted and still I... I knew what hurt her the most, yet I did it perfectly. Even I knew how unforgivable that was.

However, now that I was sitting on the cold cemented floor, hoping an approaching car would just run me over already, I felt defeated. I ran out of all my options and I didn't know what to do anymore. I felt guilty about even thinking about doing anything at all as her poison-laced words rang in my ears, "I don't want to talk to you. Not now and not ever!". And though I understood, I couldn't pretend like it didn't hurt.

Like it didn't feel like she drove a sharp Katana sword right through my heart, leaving it hanging at the Kissaki. I could practically taste the metal in my mouth that would drip down my cleavage as I'd look down at the blade sticking out of my chest. And though I was never pierced by a sword before, I knew that the stinging pain would've felt the same.

My body was shivering, both because of the chilly temperature in the underground space, and from the emotional state I was in. It was long, that I stopped crying. Not because I wasn't sad or because the pain was bearable now. I stopped because I no longer had any tears to shed.

I wanted to cry; wanted to escape the pain and wail into the distance, but I couldn't. Instead, I was just staring into space while feeling my heart break into pieces. I was in agony. It was ironic, really. How my heart could still get hurt like this by something I had already seen coming, anyway. And it hurt like hell, knowing that I needed to let go of her but couldn't because I was still waiting for the impossible to happen. Hoping, wishing, and praying that things would be okay again.

Before, I thought it was hard waiting around for something I knew might never happen. But I knew it would be harder to give up when I knew it was everything I wanted. However, now, I didn't know anymore. I was committing one selfish act after another, and finally, I felt like my fire has burned out. Like even that little spark, when you try to light your lighter but all you see are the tiny sparks disappearing in the air, has died out. If I were a lighter, I'd be one that's run out of fuel.

Yet, nothing has made me sadder than imagining myself not seeing her ever again. I've given up, yet my heart refused to. Well, more like its dozen of pieces. Those were still there, begging for me to get up and try again, knowing only she could piece my heart back together. But what if I no longer had the strength? What was there I could do?