So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 48

It's finally here! Sorry for the long wait, hopefully you'll think it was worth it. :-D

Six weeks had passed since I'd said goodbye to James, but I could remember every moment of our parting with perfect clarity. Then again, I spent all my time thinking about him. Our time as kids, falling in love, being apart, finding each other again...it all played out in my mind on a constant loop. It was the story of us, but with no clear conclusion. Once, he'd told me that despite being a rock star surrounded by people 24/7, he'd never felt more alone in his whole life; I understood that sentiment now. The GNR tour machine was in constant motion, but I felt completely alone.

Before Jamie's departure, I knew I'd been wrapped up in my own fears, entirely focused on figuring out how I was going to move forward despite those fears. But in all my doubts and hand wringing, I had never fully imagined a future without James in it. I hadn't allowed myself to go there, despite the fact I was dragging my feet and over-thinking every step forward. Now it was here, and my heart was breaking. I missed James more than I ever thought possible, and every day, the ache in my chest grew.

I knew he was feeling the same, though he tried his best to hide it on our phone calls. It didn't help too that with the craziness of our tours, time differences, and misinformation, the calls didn't happen as frequently as either of us wanted. But those few minutes of connection became my lifeline. Hearing his voice, his laugh...I hadn't realized how quickly I'd gotten used to having him back in my life again until he was gone.

A crack of thunder outside jolted me from my thoughts, and I wandered closer to the window to get a glimpse of the light show. We were back in Caracas, Venezuela in the same hotel I'd stayed with James almost two months earlier when we'd just begun the South American tour. Maybe that was why I was feeling extra melancholy that night and had sent Roberta off without me to go grab dinner with some of the band and crew, I just wasn't in the mood to pretend I was ok. I'd been playing at being "fine" for weeks now for the benefit of my bandmates. But they'd been forced to bear enough of my drama already, it wasn't fair to mope around and make them all suffer because I was miserable. I was pretty sure Roberta and Tracey knew what was going on under the surface, but they didn't bring it up. I think they understood I was only just barely keeping it together.

The sky lit up then and another loud boom of thunder shook the window, and it hit me hard how badly I wanted James there holding me in his arms as we watched the storm together. I wished it so desperately, that I felt the ache in my chest tighten and spasm as tears began to spill down my cheeks. "Jamie," I whispered forlornly, "I miss you so fucking much."

The phone rang then, and without picking it up, I knew it was him.

"H...hello?" I sniffled, trying and failing at hiding my tears.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

I was so happy to hear his voice, suddenly I was smiling and crying simultaneously.

"It's nothing," I murmured into the phone, suddenly feeling more than a little ridiculous. "I'm just being stupid. Don't worry about me."

"I do worry about ya Lei. Why do you sound like you've been cryin? Did Axl say something?" I could hear the anger rising in his voice.

"No, nothing like that." I sighed then. "I...I miss you that's all. See, I told you I was being dumb."

The line went silent for a moment.

"I...I figured the tour would keep ya too busy to miss me much."

I made a face though he couldn't see it. "It is crazy, and I'm on the go non-stop...but none of it distracts me from the fact that we're not together."